It's been awhile, and a lot has happened since my last update.
I was nervous about my 12 week appointment - they told me they would listen to the heartbeat with the doppler and only do an internal ultrasound if they couldn't find the heartbeat. Part of me was hoping they couldn't find it with the doppler so I could see the baby again, but I knew if that happened I would have a heart attack.
It took them a few minutes, but they found it. 168 beats per minute. They tested my urine for proteins and sugar, but it was fine and that was about it. I found out I can't wear my contacts until I deliver because Restasis is a Class C drug, and I can't wear contacts without it. It's fine, but I miss my contacts. I can wear them occasionally, so I guess there's that at least.
We got the results of our Maternit21 Test and not only is the baby healthy (chromosomally), but we found out that it's a boy! The nurse told me over the phone while I was at work, I screamed and then had to leave immediately because I couldn't possibly do any more work without telling Steve about it. Luckily it was near the end of the day. I stopped on my way home and got 3 sets of bibs and little firefighters PJ's and 3 white bags and tissue paper. I put one set of bibs and the PJ's in one to open and did the other bibs in the other bag for our parent's to open.
It was really special watching Steve find out he's having a boy. He was really happy. We both thought it was a girl...and while I really am happy with either, I don't think right now a boy is as fun. Maybe I'm just used to shopping for my nieces, but shopping for girl clothes is so much more fun than boy clothes. Same with nursery decorations and even picking baby names. And I know how to do girls...this boy thing is a whole new experience.
And I also think back to how to was growing up with my brothers and how annoying they were and it scares me a little. I know having a son won't be the same as having brothers, but it's really my only experience with growing up with boys. Ha, at least I hope so!
We also had our 16 week appointment and the heart rate was 156 and everything was fine again. I had blood drawn to test for CF and spinal bifida, but I haven't gotten the results yet (the doctor has them - and has had them since Wednesday - but hasn't reviewed them and given us the results - super annoying).
A week from Tuesday - November 13th (I think) is our high resolution ultra sound, which will be our last (hopefully!) test to make sure the baby is okay. I'm so excited to see him again. We might pay for one of those fun ultrasound places later on in the pregnancy, but if not, this will be the last time we see the little guy until he's born.
And crazy to think we'll be halfway there the week of Thanksgiving. We have so much to do. The only thing I've bought so far is wooden alphabet letters for the wall (I will paint them different colors - and they are in different sizes and fonts). We haven't registered yet or really looked at anything seriously. Not really sure what I'm waiting for - I guess I feel like we have lots of time, which we do. 22 weeks.
We have started to do some things though - we cleaned out the baby's closet and are getting the house ready - not for baby necessarily, but I want to get things done before the baby gets here. Like touch up the paint along the baseboards, and buy a new kitchen table, etc. We also got a new car. Steve's car was too small for a car seat so we traded it in for an SUV. I also have a 2 door, and we tried to see if a car seat would fit in it last night (we were at a friend's house who has a baby), and while it fits, it was NOT easy. I'm not sure what we're going to do. A wedding, new house, new baby and 2 car payments (both our cars were paid off - it's painful to think about) in one year is a lot.
I'm also sort of beginning to show. Well, my fat is showing more - not sure that counts. I had a little pouch that could look flat with the right pants and shirt, but now I can't hide it. The baby is right below my belly button, but this pooch is above it. I asked my doctor why my stomach was getting bigger there and she said that it was because my organs and stuff have all been shifted up to make room for the baby. So instead of a baby bump, I have a fat and intestine bump. It looks cute in maternity pants and people definitely keep looking at my belly like "Is she or isn't she?!?" Honestly this in-between is sort of embarrassing. I just look fatter than usual. Maternity pants do help though. They smooth it out and make me definitely look preggo.
In good news though, I haven't gained a single pound. So weird how I've struggled with weight my entire life and then the one time where I'm supposed to gain weight, I don't. I'm not complaining though! However, since I'm feeling better my appetite has definitely come back. I've felt good for this past week. A full 6 days of feeling good. I'm hoping it sticks!
I even worked out for the first time yesterday. I'm so sore today - think I might have overdone it (elliptical and weight lifting) - but if was nice to get back into the gym.
I do have to say, however, that my current symptoms aren't awesome (but better than the morning sickness by far!) - I have a horrible stuffy, runny nose and I sneeze a lot. I don't have a cold or allergies, so I think it's pregnancy rhinitis. And as a result, I'm usually up for a few hours a night because I'm uncomfortable (doesn't my body know this is my last time to get good sleep for a long, long time?!?). I also have a smidge of sciatica. It usually happens worse in the 3rd trimester, but it can happen now since the uterus is growing and pushing on the nerve. Having shooting pains down my ass isn't that fun, but it's not that often and usually goes away after awhile (knock on wood).
I have been listening to the heartbeat on a doppler (didn't find it until the 13th week or so), and it has been such a comfort. I borrowed it from a friend, but she's pregnant now, so I had to give it back last night. I ordered another one though, and it will be here by Wednesday. I listen to it everyday, so I definitely miss hearing him.
I also think I'm feeling him move a little. I won't know for sure until he's stronger and it happens more and more, but it's not gas. I don't understand how people mistake gas for the baby moving. I've had gas bubbles my entire life - I know what they feel like. What I'm feeling is like little bubbles popping near my skin and then it makes me itch on the outside. So, it's either the baby moving or it's my skin stretching and itching. However, I pour baby oil on that part of my stomach every day when I listen to the heartbeat, so it is well moisturized. But, I'm not sure why the outside of my belly would itch from the baby kicking on the inside...I guess we'll see.
So, not only am I pregnant, but 3 of my other best friends are pregnant too. And they're all due within 2 weeks of each other, so I'm a little out of sync there. I'm due April 14th, Amanda is due June 3rd, Jen is due June 8th (but will have an elective C section, and it will likely be a few weeks early - last time there was no more room for her baby, which is why they had to do a C section - her husband is close to 7 feet tall), and Megan is due June 16th. Crazy!
It's Amanda's first too (she miscarried in May, so we have similar back stories), but it's Jen's second and Megan's third.
Part of me is glad I'm first, and I know that being 6 - 8 weeks apart will be nothing when the kids are older. I'm so happy to be in on this round of kids. There are 2 groups of kids now with the 6 of us - three of them are 3 and 4 years old, and two of them are around 1 years old. Now there will be four more all the same age. So fun.
Lastly, we have kicked around a few names. We only have 2 so far that we like. My maiden name was different and special and there are no boys to carry it on (older brother had two girls and had a vasectomy and my little brother isn't having kids). We thought about naming him Van (part of my last name, and my brothers were called Van Man growing up and I was Little Van)...Van Hoffman. Different, but too much like Van Helsing?
I don't really like names on the top 100 list - and I don't like trendy names - Gunner, Aiden, etc. The other name we like is Nicholas...but is Nick Hoffman too boring? Nicholas James Hoffman. And Nick is so "boring" now it's not as trendy. He might be the only Nick in a sea of Masons, Aidens, Declans, etc.
We've still got 22 weeks to decide. Steve really likes both, but I just don't know.
I will try to update more - lots has happened since my last post. I'll see if I can post a high resolution of Mega Tron next week after our appointment.
I hope everything continues to go well...I have a feeling between now and the end of December will fly by with the holidays, but January - April will probably drag by. But, I'll keep myself busy with getting the nursery ready and enjoying my last few months of freedom. So crazy how my life is going to change!!! I'm ready though...can't wait to meet this little guy!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Monday, October 1, 2012
Tomorrow
Did you know there are four different times people consider being in the second trimester?
12 weeks, 13 weeks, 13 weeks 4 days, 14 weeks.
I am 12 weeks and 1 day, so I'm in the second trimester according to some people and a week or two away to other people. Confusing.
Tomorrow is my last appointment in my first trimester (knock on wood) - if all is well then I am going to consider myself in the safe zone (knock on wood) and will feel more comfortable telling people. Can you tell I'm so superstitious about it? I haven't even canceled my fertility appointment at the end of October yet - or my Weight Watchers membership, which is costing me $45 a month. I just don't want to get too cocky!
On a side note, I feel so awkward telling people I'm pregnant...it's one of those things that you have to bring up - it's not like it comes up in conversation - "How was your weekend? Are you knocked up?" It's fine with friends, but with co-workers and people like that, it's kind of weird. So as a result, some people know, some don't. I should just do a Facebook post, but I think I want to wait for awhile longer (like maybe Christmas time).
After my appointment tomorrow, I'll tell my extended friends (my close girlfriends who aren't my besties) and my mom can tell my extended family and their friends (my little brother's wedding is in a few weeks and we are a partying family - everyone will know when I'm not drinking, and I don't want to announce it at the wedding). I can't wait to tell my nieces though!
I might hold off another week to tell though - not because I don't want to tell them right away, but because I did the Materniti21 blood test last week (I did it at 9 weeks and 3 days as well - the nurse told me I could, but she was wrong and I had to have it redone after 10 weeks), and the results should be in within 14 business days (which would be October 15th at the latest).
The Materniti21 test not only tests for chromosomal abnormalities, but will also tell us the gender (which the nurse didn't tell me at the time - I found out through the baby boards and confirmed when I went in for the test) because they separate the baby's chromosomes from mine and obviously they can tell if it's XX or XY. It's 100% accurate.
I didn't want to know the gender (Steve did), so I asked if the gender would be obvious on the 3D ultrasound in November and the nurse said it definitely would. So I figure if we're going to find out, we might as well find out now.
The only other downside is that it's not going to be a special way to find out. Can you imagine how cool it would be to in labor and in pain for hours and then not only have a baby at the end, but you get to find out what it is too? Sort of more incentive to push harder...
And even finding out during the 3D ultrasound would have been sort of special - seeing the baby and having the technician point out the parts, etc. Something Steve and I could share.
Now, since they'll be calling me with the results, I'm guessing the nurse will just tell me over the phone - so I'll know before Steve (because I'll probably be at work). Not really that special. I might have them put it in a sealed envelope and I will pick it up on my way home...
Not sure they would do that - I could also find out and then make it a special surprise for Steve and our parents (separately - I would tell Steve first!). Or I read where someone picked out a girl's outfit and a boy's outfit and gave the salesperson their credit card and the envelope and had the salesperson ring up and wrap one of the outfits and put the other one under the counter (while they didn't watch), and then the mom and dad opened the wrapped box together when they got home.
So anyway, it might be weird to make two annoucements to everyone within a week or so - the first one that I'm pregnant and then the second one that I'm having a boy/girl (plus twice the work!). It would just be easier to tell everyone everything all at once. Although people will think I'm farther along than I am (I guess my mom will have to explain that when she tells them).
My nieces will also be so disappointed if it's a boy, so I'm hoping that I can lump both announcements in together so they'll be mostly excited about the baby...even if it is a "gross boy." Ha.
My morning sickness briefly subsided, but it came back the past few days - I spent all day Saturday in bed and I'm home from work today (but worked from home, which is awesome! I so want to telecommute!). I also discovered that I'm allergic to antacids, and in my research on how that's even possible, I discovered that people who are allergic to antacids are often allergic to shellfish. Shellfish allergies are highly genetic and my dad had his first allergic reaction to shellfish in his mid thirties (I turned 35 last week - fuck, I'm old).
I don't know for sure that I have this allergy, but it sure looks like it. I don't eat a ton of shellfish usually anyway, but during this pregnancy I'm going to avoid it. Plus, having a red itchy rash isn't that fun.
Now not being able to take anything for heartburn is awful. I'm hoping there is some type of antacid that's not made from shellfish or oyster shells (I didn't know that it was before I googled "allergic reaction to Tums"). Luckily my appointment is tomorrow so I don't have to wait long.
Although medical things give me such anxiety (yeah, not sure how labor is going to go for me), so when I realized that I was having an allergic reaction, I paced around for an hour, fighting off a panic attack, because I was convinced my throat was closing. It wasn't. So, the odds of me taking another antacid (just in case there's something else besides shellfish that's causing the reaction) is pretty slim.
I've lost three pounds this pregnancy so far though. I am down 23 pounds the past few months! Score! My goal is to only gain 10 this entire pregnancy. I guess being sick has it's upside. It's amazing I haven't gained weight though - all I want to eat is carbs. Luckily I can't eat that much - and I'm eating more frequent, smaller meals, so I think all that's helping. But yeah, all carbs and no working out and I lost weight. Weird.
I do hope I feel better soon though - I want to change my diet to cut out the carbs and eat more protein and veggies, which will help me avoid getting gestational diabetes. There is no way that's going to happen until I feel better though.
I will update after my appointment tomorrow. Work is going to draaaaaaaaaag by since my appointment isn't until 3:20. I just hope and pray that everything is okay and Mega Tron is still alive. I have tried so hard not to get attached, but it's been more difficult this past week or so.
Good thoughts, good thoughts, good thoughts.
12 weeks, 13 weeks, 13 weeks 4 days, 14 weeks.
I am 12 weeks and 1 day, so I'm in the second trimester according to some people and a week or two away to other people. Confusing.
Tomorrow is my last appointment in my first trimester (knock on wood) - if all is well then I am going to consider myself in the safe zone (knock on wood) and will feel more comfortable telling people. Can you tell I'm so superstitious about it? I haven't even canceled my fertility appointment at the end of October yet - or my Weight Watchers membership, which is costing me $45 a month. I just don't want to get too cocky!
On a side note, I feel so awkward telling people I'm pregnant...it's one of those things that you have to bring up - it's not like it comes up in conversation - "How was your weekend? Are you knocked up?" It's fine with friends, but with co-workers and people like that, it's kind of weird. So as a result, some people know, some don't. I should just do a Facebook post, but I think I want to wait for awhile longer (like maybe Christmas time).
After my appointment tomorrow, I'll tell my extended friends (my close girlfriends who aren't my besties) and my mom can tell my extended family and their friends (my little brother's wedding is in a few weeks and we are a partying family - everyone will know when I'm not drinking, and I don't want to announce it at the wedding). I can't wait to tell my nieces though!
I might hold off another week to tell though - not because I don't want to tell them right away, but because I did the Materniti21 blood test last week (I did it at 9 weeks and 3 days as well - the nurse told me I could, but she was wrong and I had to have it redone after 10 weeks), and the results should be in within 14 business days (which would be October 15th at the latest).
The Materniti21 test not only tests for chromosomal abnormalities, but will also tell us the gender (which the nurse didn't tell me at the time - I found out through the baby boards and confirmed when I went in for the test) because they separate the baby's chromosomes from mine and obviously they can tell if it's XX or XY. It's 100% accurate.
I didn't want to know the gender (Steve did), so I asked if the gender would be obvious on the 3D ultrasound in November and the nurse said it definitely would. So I figure if we're going to find out, we might as well find out now.
The only other downside is that it's not going to be a special way to find out. Can you imagine how cool it would be to in labor and in pain for hours and then not only have a baby at the end, but you get to find out what it is too? Sort of more incentive to push harder...
And even finding out during the 3D ultrasound would have been sort of special - seeing the baby and having the technician point out the parts, etc. Something Steve and I could share.
Now, since they'll be calling me with the results, I'm guessing the nurse will just tell me over the phone - so I'll know before Steve (because I'll probably be at work). Not really that special. I might have them put it in a sealed envelope and I will pick it up on my way home...
Not sure they would do that - I could also find out and then make it a special surprise for Steve and our parents (separately - I would tell Steve first!). Or I read where someone picked out a girl's outfit and a boy's outfit and gave the salesperson their credit card and the envelope and had the salesperson ring up and wrap one of the outfits and put the other one under the counter (while they didn't watch), and then the mom and dad opened the wrapped box together when they got home.
So anyway, it might be weird to make two annoucements to everyone within a week or so - the first one that I'm pregnant and then the second one that I'm having a boy/girl (plus twice the work!). It would just be easier to tell everyone everything all at once. Although people will think I'm farther along than I am (I guess my mom will have to explain that when she tells them).
My nieces will also be so disappointed if it's a boy, so I'm hoping that I can lump both announcements in together so they'll be mostly excited about the baby...even if it is a "gross boy." Ha.
My morning sickness briefly subsided, but it came back the past few days - I spent all day Saturday in bed and I'm home from work today (but worked from home, which is awesome! I so want to telecommute!). I also discovered that I'm allergic to antacids, and in my research on how that's even possible, I discovered that people who are allergic to antacids are often allergic to shellfish. Shellfish allergies are highly genetic and my dad had his first allergic reaction to shellfish in his mid thirties (I turned 35 last week - fuck, I'm old).
I don't know for sure that I have this allergy, but it sure looks like it. I don't eat a ton of shellfish usually anyway, but during this pregnancy I'm going to avoid it. Plus, having a red itchy rash isn't that fun.
Now not being able to take anything for heartburn is awful. I'm hoping there is some type of antacid that's not made from shellfish or oyster shells (I didn't know that it was before I googled "allergic reaction to Tums"). Luckily my appointment is tomorrow so I don't have to wait long.
Although medical things give me such anxiety (yeah, not sure how labor is going to go for me), so when I realized that I was having an allergic reaction, I paced around for an hour, fighting off a panic attack, because I was convinced my throat was closing. It wasn't. So, the odds of me taking another antacid (just in case there's something else besides shellfish that's causing the reaction) is pretty slim.
I've lost three pounds this pregnancy so far though. I am down 23 pounds the past few months! Score! My goal is to only gain 10 this entire pregnancy. I guess being sick has it's upside. It's amazing I haven't gained weight though - all I want to eat is carbs. Luckily I can't eat that much - and I'm eating more frequent, smaller meals, so I think all that's helping. But yeah, all carbs and no working out and I lost weight. Weird.
I do hope I feel better soon though - I want to change my diet to cut out the carbs and eat more protein and veggies, which will help me avoid getting gestational diabetes. There is no way that's going to happen until I feel better though.
I will update after my appointment tomorrow. Work is going to draaaaaaaaaag by since my appointment isn't until 3:20. I just hope and pray that everything is okay and Mega Tron is still alive. I have tried so hard not to get attached, but it's been more difficult this past week or so.
Good thoughts, good thoughts, good thoughts.
Monday, September 10, 2012
9 Weeks, 1 Day
As far as I know I'm still pregnant.
It's been a rocky few weeks since my last update. I feel like I should preface this post by saying although I'm complaining, I am so happy to be pregnant that I will gladly suffer through any sympton. That being said, morning sickness is horrible.
I have felt like I had the flu pretty much non-stop for the past three weeks. And morning sickness isn't what I thought it would be - I feel hungover and motion sick. I haven't thrown up (or even really felt like I was going to) - it's been mostly my head. Dizzy, headache and then it gets so bad my stomach hurts and I can't eat. I'm miserable and just want to fall asleep.
I've also been so exhausted. I do nothing now. Work and sit at home. It's quite boring but there is no way I could do anything else. And on the rare occasions that I do, it just about kills me and I'm so wiped out afterwards.
I'm also constipated. I am taking Zofran (anti-nausea medicine), which causes constipation (on top of pregnancy which also causes constipation) and I haven't really pooped in three weeks. I've started taking stool softeners and drinking prune juice so hopefully things will get moving soon.
Heartburn is also pretty fun (although manageable with Tums) and so is my random food aversion (I hate tomatoes now - and I used to love them).
My last major symptom is how often and easily I cry. It amuses Steve so much, so at least one of us enjoys it. I seriously sobbed last night when I saw Peyton Manning in a Broco's uniform. It was heartbreaking and I'm tearing up again thinking about it.
All of that being said, I am so happy I'm pregnant. And here I thought I would be kind of sad because I couldn't drink or have fun when going out and little did I know that alcohol sounds HORRIBLE and I would rather stay in than do anything. I'm really hoping that changes in the second trimester though. I only have a few more weeks.
All of it is worth it though. We had our first appointment on September 4th and it was the most amazing thing I have ever done. I was a mess. I thought for sure they would do the ultrasound and the baby would be dead. I know that's so morbid but after miscarrying it just doesn't feel real (even with all the symptoms). And those fucking baby boards are awful. I swear to God almost every other post is someone talking about how they had a misssed miscarriage, which meant they had no signs (cramping and/or blood) and thought they were pregnant until they went to the doctor and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I think it only happens like 3% of the time, but I think every single one of those people post on the baby boards. And I get that the boards are for support, but it's still scary to read (and I can't stop - it's like a car wreck).
So I was laying on the table, with tears in my eyes before the exam even started. As soon as she inserted the wand we saw Mega Tron (that's what we're calling him - Steve picked it out and I went with it because it sounds strong and tough) right away and he was was waving his little arms and legs as hard as he could. I started sobbing and said, "He's moving - that means his heart's beating, right?!?" It did and it was a strong heartbeat - 172 beats per minute.
I sort of felt like he was waving right away to ease my worry. Like he was saying, "It's okay mom, I'm good!"
The rest of the appointment was fine - they gave me a PAP smear while I was there - with Steve in the room - which was hilarious since we was so uncomfortable. He told me I have to go with him next time he has a prostate exam as payback. There was also lots of blood work, and a long talk with the nurse - do's and don'ts - that sort of thing.
Our next appointment is October 2 and they'll try to hear the heartbeat with the doppler this time. Part of me hopes they can't find the heartbeat (although not really because I will probably have a heart attack if that happens) via doppler because then they'll do it internally again and we'll see Mega Tron again.
We decided to do the genetic testing because it's covered by insurance (I'll be over 35 when I deliver). We wouldn't terminate unless the baby would die anyway or would be in so much pain, etc. Although I have no clue what goes into termination so I hope we never have to find out.
I'm going on Wednesday for a blood test and they will test for chromisomal abnormalities (it takes about two weeks so we'll have the results by our next appointment), then there is another blood test in November which tests for spinal bifida and CF. Then because we're "high risk" (so annoying) we will have a 3D ultrasound at 18 weeks (most people just do a 2D ultrasound at 20 weeks).
That is when you can find out the gender (although I already think it's a boy - mostly because four psychics over the years have told me I would have a boy first and then a girl - the last one though said two boys close together and a girl - the boys close together could have been the miscarriage and then this baby). We weren't going to find out, but I think it will be really hard on a 3D ultrasound. And they give us a DVD of it and we'll want to show our families so I'm not sure how reasonable it is to keep it a secret. And I don't want to have to keep turning my head and miss out on seeing my baby just because I don't want to find out the gender. Seeing him is more important to me.
Although who knows - maybe it'll be positioned in a way where they can't get a good look. If so, then we probably won't press it. We can do that ultrasound mid November - doesn't that seem kind of soon?
Time is going by so slowly (it tends to when you feel horrible and don't do anything), but quickly all at the same time. I'm excited for our next appointment - if all goes well then we will tell our nieces (they are 5 and 3) afterward. They both want another baby in the family so badly - they will seriously lose their shit when we tell them. Three weeks from tomorrow.
Also what's kind of weird is that Steve and I are not having sex until the second trimester. The doctor said we didn't have to wait, but she said that people sometimes feel more comfortable holding off. It can cause cramping and bleeding and it's just not worth it to me. I would be so worried those few days. We went from having sex all the time to not having it at all. Honestly it's sort of a relief. I miss the physical closeness but having sex when you feel awful isn't fun. I've had zero desire to do anything remotely sexual. But part of me is kind of afraid that we're going to get used to not having sex and end up in the friend zone, which is probably ridiculous, but odd to not have sex for three months when you're a newlywed.
I also started a new job the past few weeks, which has been awful and another story all together. Lesson learned - don't do a major life change in the first trimester of pregnancy.
It's 7:46 and I'm off to bed!
It's been a rocky few weeks since my last update. I feel like I should preface this post by saying although I'm complaining, I am so happy to be pregnant that I will gladly suffer through any sympton. That being said, morning sickness is horrible.
I have felt like I had the flu pretty much non-stop for the past three weeks. And morning sickness isn't what I thought it would be - I feel hungover and motion sick. I haven't thrown up (or even really felt like I was going to) - it's been mostly my head. Dizzy, headache and then it gets so bad my stomach hurts and I can't eat. I'm miserable and just want to fall asleep.
I've also been so exhausted. I do nothing now. Work and sit at home. It's quite boring but there is no way I could do anything else. And on the rare occasions that I do, it just about kills me and I'm so wiped out afterwards.
I'm also constipated. I am taking Zofran (anti-nausea medicine), which causes constipation (on top of pregnancy which also causes constipation) and I haven't really pooped in three weeks. I've started taking stool softeners and drinking prune juice so hopefully things will get moving soon.
Heartburn is also pretty fun (although manageable with Tums) and so is my random food aversion (I hate tomatoes now - and I used to love them).
My last major symptom is how often and easily I cry. It amuses Steve so much, so at least one of us enjoys it. I seriously sobbed last night when I saw Peyton Manning in a Broco's uniform. It was heartbreaking and I'm tearing up again thinking about it.
All of that being said, I am so happy I'm pregnant. And here I thought I would be kind of sad because I couldn't drink or have fun when going out and little did I know that alcohol sounds HORRIBLE and I would rather stay in than do anything. I'm really hoping that changes in the second trimester though. I only have a few more weeks.
All of it is worth it though. We had our first appointment on September 4th and it was the most amazing thing I have ever done. I was a mess. I thought for sure they would do the ultrasound and the baby would be dead. I know that's so morbid but after miscarrying it just doesn't feel real (even with all the symptoms). And those fucking baby boards are awful. I swear to God almost every other post is someone talking about how they had a misssed miscarriage, which meant they had no signs (cramping and/or blood) and thought they were pregnant until they went to the doctor and they couldn't find a heartbeat. I think it only happens like 3% of the time, but I think every single one of those people post on the baby boards. And I get that the boards are for support, but it's still scary to read (and I can't stop - it's like a car wreck).
So I was laying on the table, with tears in my eyes before the exam even started. As soon as she inserted the wand we saw Mega Tron (that's what we're calling him - Steve picked it out and I went with it because it sounds strong and tough) right away and he was was waving his little arms and legs as hard as he could. I started sobbing and said, "He's moving - that means his heart's beating, right?!?" It did and it was a strong heartbeat - 172 beats per minute.
I sort of felt like he was waving right away to ease my worry. Like he was saying, "It's okay mom, I'm good!"
The rest of the appointment was fine - they gave me a PAP smear while I was there - with Steve in the room - which was hilarious since we was so uncomfortable. He told me I have to go with him next time he has a prostate exam as payback. There was also lots of blood work, and a long talk with the nurse - do's and don'ts - that sort of thing.
Our next appointment is October 2 and they'll try to hear the heartbeat with the doppler this time. Part of me hopes they can't find the heartbeat (although not really because I will probably have a heart attack if that happens) via doppler because then they'll do it internally again and we'll see Mega Tron again.
We decided to do the genetic testing because it's covered by insurance (I'll be over 35 when I deliver). We wouldn't terminate unless the baby would die anyway or would be in so much pain, etc. Although I have no clue what goes into termination so I hope we never have to find out.
I'm going on Wednesday for a blood test and they will test for chromisomal abnormalities (it takes about two weeks so we'll have the results by our next appointment), then there is another blood test in November which tests for spinal bifida and CF. Then because we're "high risk" (so annoying) we will have a 3D ultrasound at 18 weeks (most people just do a 2D ultrasound at 20 weeks).
That is when you can find out the gender (although I already think it's a boy - mostly because four psychics over the years have told me I would have a boy first and then a girl - the last one though said two boys close together and a girl - the boys close together could have been the miscarriage and then this baby). We weren't going to find out, but I think it will be really hard on a 3D ultrasound. And they give us a DVD of it and we'll want to show our families so I'm not sure how reasonable it is to keep it a secret. And I don't want to have to keep turning my head and miss out on seeing my baby just because I don't want to find out the gender. Seeing him is more important to me.
Although who knows - maybe it'll be positioned in a way where they can't get a good look. If so, then we probably won't press it. We can do that ultrasound mid November - doesn't that seem kind of soon?
Time is going by so slowly (it tends to when you feel horrible and don't do anything), but quickly all at the same time. I'm excited for our next appointment - if all goes well then we will tell our nieces (they are 5 and 3) afterward. They both want another baby in the family so badly - they will seriously lose their shit when we tell them. Three weeks from tomorrow.
Also what's kind of weird is that Steve and I are not having sex until the second trimester. The doctor said we didn't have to wait, but she said that people sometimes feel more comfortable holding off. It can cause cramping and bleeding and it's just not worth it to me. I would be so worried those few days. We went from having sex all the time to not having it at all. Honestly it's sort of a relief. I miss the physical closeness but having sex when you feel awful isn't fun. I've had zero desire to do anything remotely sexual. But part of me is kind of afraid that we're going to get used to not having sex and end up in the friend zone, which is probably ridiculous, but odd to not have sex for three months when you're a newlywed.
I also started a new job the past few weeks, which has been awful and another story all together. Lesson learned - don't do a major life change in the first trimester of pregnancy.
It's 7:46 and I'm off to bed!
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Don't Worry, Be Happy
The doctor's appointment was a disappointment.
Steve's hormone levels are perfect and yet he only has 3 - 5% of normal sperm. The doctor said that there is nothing else we can do (he said some people take suppliments but there has been no proof that they work and he personally has not had patients who were successful after taking them for an extended period of time) and that Steve's sperm was the "best it was going to be."
He disagreed with my gynocologist and thought it was "very possible" for me to get pregnant with his sperm - especially since it just happened earlier this year. However, since he cannot prescribe me Clomid, his opinon doesn't really matter (but I appreciated his confidence in us).
I called my doctor while we were still in the building and she said that I needed to call the fertility specialist, which I did immediately. His first available appointment? October 22!
Because he is so popular (i.e. successful in getting people pregnant) I knew there would be a long wait. Unfortunately I am not a patient person.
I accepted the appointment and then called another doctor that was recommended to me by a few people. He has an opening next Thursday (August 8), which I also accepted.
I was a little sad about the results (fertility treatments = $$$ and more time), but also positive because I like having a next step lined up. And one that doesn't require a 3 month wait is even better! And if I don't like the doctor next week, at least I have the other appointment in October, so my bases are covered (and I'm on the immedate cancelation list so hopefully I could get in even sooner if needed).
Steve and I had a rough Tuesday and Wednesday...I think he was feeling depressed about things and probably hearing my theory about how his family tree might be cursed and maybe he's not supposed to have kids probably didn't help. But seriously - he is the LAST person who can pass down his paternal genes. He's an only child and nobody in the previous 2 generations had kids except his dad. And while telling him that theory I probably shouldn't have said, "Maybe I attached my cart to the wrong horse."
It sounded horrible, but I meant because of his family curse (which I just made up on the spot) not because I'm sad I married him, sad he has crappy sperm, etc.
Anyway...after I got home from work on Wednesday I decided to take a pregnant test (my period isn't due until Saturday), just in case. We really didn't try last month, which was kind of nice. Yes, we made sure to have sex a few times during the week I "probably" ovulated, but more of the sex we had was for fun, and it hadn't been that way in a long time. I had ZERO expectations because I haven't been ovulating.
I am encouraged, however, that my progesterone is improving because I have pimples this month (there are lots of things I would change about myself, but I have to say I have GREAT skin - I rarely get pimples, don't have to wear foundation, etc - the last time I had a zit was the last time I was pregnant) and as of Wednesday, I hadn't started my period (the prior months my period was a week early because I never ovulated). So if nothing else, it proves that my progesterone is improving.
Even with that, imagine my absolute and utter astonishment when the test was POSTIVE.
I don't fuck around with the regular pregnant tests anymore - I only do digital and I almost forgot to go back into the bathroom and look at it before I went out to water my flowers. I quickly glanced down and I'm pretty sure I almost fainted. I fully expected to see "not pregnant" and not just the "pregnant" result.
I handed Steve the test and immediately got on the phone to call my doctor (having a miscarriage has totally fucked up the happy pregnant feelings for me, so there was no celebration really - a quick hug and an I love you as the phone was ringing) and she told me that I should come in immediately for a blood test (if my progesterone is too low I could miscarry again).
I live about 45 minutes from the doctor and the lab closed in 45 minutes. And it was about to be rush hour. I drove like a maniac (I seriously felt like if I didn't get there in time then I would lose the baby and it would be because I couldn't go faster) and actually managed to get there at 4:56...and the lab was closed.
I was so pissed. I stood there and knocked on the door until the nurse let me in and I told her that I drove 45 miles over the speed limit to get here in time and I WAS technically there in time, so they had to take my blood. She was super shitty, but she did it. But by the end, she was hugging me and telling me keep in touch - I decided to kill her with kindness. And she got like 5 minutes of overtime, so really how big of a deal was it?!?
So now I'm waiting for the results - I'll have them by tomorrow and the doctor will be able to call in a progesterone prescription for me before the weekend if needed. Part of me wants to just take it as a precaution, but I don't know...
I'm SO early pregnant...I'm not even sure how I got a positive already. I must have implanted super early. My estimated implantation date was yesterday, but obviously it implanted earlier than that. I took another test this morning (and I might every morning for awhile) and I'm still pregnant.
Last time, I also found out on a Wednesday and started miscarrying on Saturday, so this will be a nerve-wracking weekend for me.
I also think it's odd how early I had symptoms. Like I woke up in the middle of the night and puked last Saturday. I assumed it was because I had a cheat meal and my body wasn't used to the fried food (but total bonus that I threw some of it up!) - and then yesterday I started having that rock-in-my-stomach feeling, which is what I had last pregnancy too. And last night I dreamt that I was really sick and puking all night and my stomach was killing me.
I don't know - seems like strong symptoms for only being 3 weeks and 4 days. Part of me thinks maybe I'm not really pregnant and my body is just randomly producing HGC (or is it HCG) to fuck with me. I guess I'll know tomorrow.
I haven't called to schedule my first appointment or anything like that. I figure I might as well wait until I talk to them tomorrow...I also haven't canceled my fertility appointment for next week. If I miscarry before then, we're going to go. Although, not sure we need a fertility doctor anymore - we have now gotten pregnant twice in the past 5 months. If I miscarry, it'll be more of a problem that I can't carry it to term. And I'm not going to cancel my October one until right before. Call me superstitious, but I don't want to get cocky.
I just can't believe that life would be so cruel that I would miscarry again. Surely this is my time, right?
I need to stay away from all the baby boards and stop analyzing everything (I'm googling annoying things like "best prenantal vitamins" and "can symptoms come and go" and I may or may not have already joined a baby board and downloaded an app - luckily if I miscary, they are super easy to delete and unsubscrip from - I know from experience). I also wish I would stop going to the bathroom and examining the toilet paper to make sure there was not blood on it when I wipe.
I think I will do that the entire time though - as I said, miscarrying in March was devestating to me. The next few months will go by so slowly. October 7th will be the start of my 2nd trimester. My due date is April 14.
Last time I was pregnant I found out right before Saint Patty's Day and my due date was November 18th - I felt then that the time would fly by - it was almost summer and summers go by so quickly. Then it's football season and getting ready for the holidays. Now I feel like it's still hot and by the time I'm due it'll be just about summer again - there's fall and winter and most of spring to get through...I don't know - it just seems like a slower period of time, if that makes sense.
On a random side note - I lost 18 pounds since my last cycle! I'm also nervous about working out and eating more food, but I managed a 1 hour workout that I was comfortable with (I did the elliptical for 30 minutes but kept my heart rate aound 130 and did free weights - arms - for 30 minutes but lowered the weight slightly). I asked the nurse if 1,200 calories was enough and she said not even close. I'm aiming for 2,000, but I'm mostly going to listen to my body and keep eating healthy nutritious foods and hope that's good enough.
I was told to stop counting calories, but I'm afraid that I will either not eat enough or go crazy and eat like 4,000 a day. I need some sort of way to measure. I already didn't do great today - I doubled my breakfast to add calories (and was so disgustingly full after) - 2 eggs, 2 turkey sausages, 1 low fat cheese and 2 whole wheat pieces of bread. Lunch was leftover whole wheat pasta with 1 Italian turkey sausage and marinara sauce. Snack was a banana with a glass of milk, And dinner really wanted to be McDonald's, but I talked myself into a BLT with a homemade pesto mayo with low fat kettle chips.
Not a lot of fruit and veggies and a whole lot of carbs and processed foods. I wasn't feeling great all day, and when I don't feel good all I want to eat is bread. But, I was at 1,600 calories, so at least I went up a bit. And I didn't eat anything fried. A small victory.
And really, complaining about not being about to workout and having to eat enough is so ridiculous, I know. I just don't want to reverse the hard work I did this past month if I end up miscarrying anyway.
I will take any pregnant symptom and do whatever it takes to have a happy, healthy baby in April. I'm nothing if not tenacious! If I could maintain this pregnancy on sheer will, I would have no worries!
I read something on a local church sign on my way to work - "Worrying is like praying for something you don't want to happen." That really resonated with me since I'm a huge worrier (hence the anxiety disorder). And it's sort of follows the principal of The Secret too. I can't control if I miscarry. I can only do my best to be healthy, so worrying is not going to help anything. Easier said than done, but that sign really spoke to me.
Interestingly the other side of the sign said "Expect great things from God." I'm not a super religous person, but I sort of felt those signs were meant just for me. It's a miracle that I'm pregnant right now and I shouldn't worry about it....I wish it was that easy!
Steve's hormone levels are perfect and yet he only has 3 - 5% of normal sperm. The doctor said that there is nothing else we can do (he said some people take suppliments but there has been no proof that they work and he personally has not had patients who were successful after taking them for an extended period of time) and that Steve's sperm was the "best it was going to be."
He disagreed with my gynocologist and thought it was "very possible" for me to get pregnant with his sperm - especially since it just happened earlier this year. However, since he cannot prescribe me Clomid, his opinon doesn't really matter (but I appreciated his confidence in us).
I called my doctor while we were still in the building and she said that I needed to call the fertility specialist, which I did immediately. His first available appointment? October 22!
Because he is so popular (i.e. successful in getting people pregnant) I knew there would be a long wait. Unfortunately I am not a patient person.
I accepted the appointment and then called another doctor that was recommended to me by a few people. He has an opening next Thursday (August 8), which I also accepted.
I was a little sad about the results (fertility treatments = $$$ and more time), but also positive because I like having a next step lined up. And one that doesn't require a 3 month wait is even better! And if I don't like the doctor next week, at least I have the other appointment in October, so my bases are covered (and I'm on the immedate cancelation list so hopefully I could get in even sooner if needed).
Steve and I had a rough Tuesday and Wednesday...I think he was feeling depressed about things and probably hearing my theory about how his family tree might be cursed and maybe he's not supposed to have kids probably didn't help. But seriously - he is the LAST person who can pass down his paternal genes. He's an only child and nobody in the previous 2 generations had kids except his dad. And while telling him that theory I probably shouldn't have said, "Maybe I attached my cart to the wrong horse."
It sounded horrible, but I meant because of his family curse (which I just made up on the spot) not because I'm sad I married him, sad he has crappy sperm, etc.
Anyway...after I got home from work on Wednesday I decided to take a pregnant test (my period isn't due until Saturday), just in case. We really didn't try last month, which was kind of nice. Yes, we made sure to have sex a few times during the week I "probably" ovulated, but more of the sex we had was for fun, and it hadn't been that way in a long time. I had ZERO expectations because I haven't been ovulating.
I am encouraged, however, that my progesterone is improving because I have pimples this month (there are lots of things I would change about myself, but I have to say I have GREAT skin - I rarely get pimples, don't have to wear foundation, etc - the last time I had a zit was the last time I was pregnant) and as of Wednesday, I hadn't started my period (the prior months my period was a week early because I never ovulated). So if nothing else, it proves that my progesterone is improving.
Even with that, imagine my absolute and utter astonishment when the test was POSTIVE.
I don't fuck around with the regular pregnant tests anymore - I only do digital and I almost forgot to go back into the bathroom and look at it before I went out to water my flowers. I quickly glanced down and I'm pretty sure I almost fainted. I fully expected to see "not pregnant" and not just the "pregnant" result.
I handed Steve the test and immediately got on the phone to call my doctor (having a miscarriage has totally fucked up the happy pregnant feelings for me, so there was no celebration really - a quick hug and an I love you as the phone was ringing) and she told me that I should come in immediately for a blood test (if my progesterone is too low I could miscarry again).
I live about 45 minutes from the doctor and the lab closed in 45 minutes. And it was about to be rush hour. I drove like a maniac (I seriously felt like if I didn't get there in time then I would lose the baby and it would be because I couldn't go faster) and actually managed to get there at 4:56...and the lab was closed.
I was so pissed. I stood there and knocked on the door until the nurse let me in and I told her that I drove 45 miles over the speed limit to get here in time and I WAS technically there in time, so they had to take my blood. She was super shitty, but she did it. But by the end, she was hugging me and telling me keep in touch - I decided to kill her with kindness. And she got like 5 minutes of overtime, so really how big of a deal was it?!?
So now I'm waiting for the results - I'll have them by tomorrow and the doctor will be able to call in a progesterone prescription for me before the weekend if needed. Part of me wants to just take it as a precaution, but I don't know...
I'm SO early pregnant...I'm not even sure how I got a positive already. I must have implanted super early. My estimated implantation date was yesterday, but obviously it implanted earlier than that. I took another test this morning (and I might every morning for awhile) and I'm still pregnant.
Last time, I also found out on a Wednesday and started miscarrying on Saturday, so this will be a nerve-wracking weekend for me.
I also think it's odd how early I had symptoms. Like I woke up in the middle of the night and puked last Saturday. I assumed it was because I had a cheat meal and my body wasn't used to the fried food (but total bonus that I threw some of it up!) - and then yesterday I started having that rock-in-my-stomach feeling, which is what I had last pregnancy too. And last night I dreamt that I was really sick and puking all night and my stomach was killing me.
I don't know - seems like strong symptoms for only being 3 weeks and 4 days. Part of me thinks maybe I'm not really pregnant and my body is just randomly producing HGC (or is it HCG) to fuck with me. I guess I'll know tomorrow.
I haven't called to schedule my first appointment or anything like that. I figure I might as well wait until I talk to them tomorrow...I also haven't canceled my fertility appointment for next week. If I miscarry before then, we're going to go. Although, not sure we need a fertility doctor anymore - we have now gotten pregnant twice in the past 5 months. If I miscarry, it'll be more of a problem that I can't carry it to term. And I'm not going to cancel my October one until right before. Call me superstitious, but I don't want to get cocky.
I just can't believe that life would be so cruel that I would miscarry again. Surely this is my time, right?
I need to stay away from all the baby boards and stop analyzing everything (I'm googling annoying things like "best prenantal vitamins" and "can symptoms come and go" and I may or may not have already joined a baby board and downloaded an app - luckily if I miscary, they are super easy to delete and unsubscrip from - I know from experience). I also wish I would stop going to the bathroom and examining the toilet paper to make sure there was not blood on it when I wipe.
I think I will do that the entire time though - as I said, miscarrying in March was devestating to me. The next few months will go by so slowly. October 7th will be the start of my 2nd trimester. My due date is April 14.
Last time I was pregnant I found out right before Saint Patty's Day and my due date was November 18th - I felt then that the time would fly by - it was almost summer and summers go by so quickly. Then it's football season and getting ready for the holidays. Now I feel like it's still hot and by the time I'm due it'll be just about summer again - there's fall and winter and most of spring to get through...I don't know - it just seems like a slower period of time, if that makes sense.
On a random side note - I lost 18 pounds since my last cycle! I'm also nervous about working out and eating more food, but I managed a 1 hour workout that I was comfortable with (I did the elliptical for 30 minutes but kept my heart rate aound 130 and did free weights - arms - for 30 minutes but lowered the weight slightly). I asked the nurse if 1,200 calories was enough and she said not even close. I'm aiming for 2,000, but I'm mostly going to listen to my body and keep eating healthy nutritious foods and hope that's good enough.
I was told to stop counting calories, but I'm afraid that I will either not eat enough or go crazy and eat like 4,000 a day. I need some sort of way to measure. I already didn't do great today - I doubled my breakfast to add calories (and was so disgustingly full after) - 2 eggs, 2 turkey sausages, 1 low fat cheese and 2 whole wheat pieces of bread. Lunch was leftover whole wheat pasta with 1 Italian turkey sausage and marinara sauce. Snack was a banana with a glass of milk, And dinner really wanted to be McDonald's, but I talked myself into a BLT with a homemade pesto mayo with low fat kettle chips.
Not a lot of fruit and veggies and a whole lot of carbs and processed foods. I wasn't feeling great all day, and when I don't feel good all I want to eat is bread. But, I was at 1,600 calories, so at least I went up a bit. And I didn't eat anything fried. A small victory.
And really, complaining about not being about to workout and having to eat enough is so ridiculous, I know. I just don't want to reverse the hard work I did this past month if I end up miscarrying anyway.
I will take any pregnant symptom and do whatever it takes to have a happy, healthy baby in April. I'm nothing if not tenacious! If I could maintain this pregnancy on sheer will, I would have no worries!
I read something on a local church sign on my way to work - "Worrying is like praying for something you don't want to happen." That really resonated with me since I'm a huge worrier (hence the anxiety disorder). And it's sort of follows the principal of The Secret too. I can't control if I miscarry. I can only do my best to be healthy, so worrying is not going to help anything. Easier said than done, but that sign really spoke to me.
Interestingly the other side of the sign said "Expect great things from God." I'm not a super religous person, but I sort of felt those signs were meant just for me. It's a miracle that I'm pregnant right now and I shouldn't worry about it....I wish it was that easy!
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Soy, Sperm and Cookies
I need to stop googling. I am obsessed with googling thing like "clomid and sperm improvement". I read studies that say there is no scientific evidence that Clomid help sperm quailty and then I find myself on the fertility message boards reading about other people's experiences and I'm driving myself crazy.
One woman swore up and down that when her husband removed soy from his diet, his sperm quality increased and I seriously thought about not making the healthy turkey meatballs that I drizzle in this yummy soy dressing, but that's just ridiculous.
I never thought I would have to google about how to improve sperm quality - ugh. It's going to be a long week until we get the results!
I have thrown myself into eating healthy and working out the past few weeks. I had great success the first week - I was down about 8 pounds. The second week? Eh, so far I've gained a little less than a pound.
Seriously?
It's not possible because I've only between consuming between 1,200 - 1,400 calories per day and I've worked out the past 13 days straight. And I've been doing hard workouts where I burn a minimum of 500 calories.
I looked up my BMR (which was figured just using my weight, height, gender and age) and it is around 2,500. So if I burn 2,500 calories a day doing nothing and add in my exercise, then that's 3,000 calories per day that I burn. If I'm eating 1,500 calories (because I like simple math), then my deficit is 1,500 calories.
You have to burn 3,500 calories to lose a pound. I would do that in approximately 2 days (but really more like 1.5 since I eat less and burn closer to 800 calories per workout).
There are other factors - like muscle-building, water retention, etc - but the bottom line is that I just want to see a smaller number on the scale. I wish I wasn't so tied to the scale but it's the only "proof" I have that I'm losing weight - it's too early to see a difference in my clothes.
I'm feeling better though - I like eating "clean" and working out again. I'm getting more energy and I'm feeling more in shape - sort of like I did when I trained for my half marathons. Part of me wanted to go for a run today, but I was so tired from my 1.5 hour workout this morning (deep water aerobics, which sounds easy, but I do it without a belt to hold me up, so I tread water the entire time - the instructor said that I probably burned at least 1,200 calories, but I don't know for sure - myfitnesspal said it was about 800, so that's what I went with).
Steve is desperate for a "cheat meal" so I told him if he agrees to swim a mile with me tomorrow then we can make homemade pizza (so good and not really bad for you - just higher in calories that my usual dinner) and open a good bottle of wine for dinner. Pizza and wine - sounds so good! I'll be over my 1,200 calories probably (unless I can eat very little for breakfast and lunch), but I think it's good to splurge every once in awhile.
When I lost 100 pounds, I had an all-out cheat meal once a week and still lost 100 pounds in 10 months - 1 bad meal out of 21 a week is still really good. And a fuck of a lot better then I had been doing!
One of the things I hate most about dieting or doing Weight Watchers is how much I think about food - it's really exhausting. I plan and track every bite and every meal and it would be nice to just eat without having to worry about it. But if I don't worry about it, I gain weight. It's a vicious cycle.
I wish I lost a pound with every good decision I make. That just seems so much more fair. For example, last night we went to this outdoor symphony thing with my friends, who were eating chips, cookies, sub sandwiches and drinking beers. I had grilled chicken, veggies a 64 calorie beer (just one) and a 90 calorie sugar free brownie.
Seriously? That should be an automatic loss of a pound, right? Not a gain of one!!
Part of me thinks I should have just had a fucking cookie...
One woman swore up and down that when her husband removed soy from his diet, his sperm quality increased and I seriously thought about not making the healthy turkey meatballs that I drizzle in this yummy soy dressing, but that's just ridiculous.
I never thought I would have to google about how to improve sperm quality - ugh. It's going to be a long week until we get the results!
I have thrown myself into eating healthy and working out the past few weeks. I had great success the first week - I was down about 8 pounds. The second week? Eh, so far I've gained a little less than a pound.
Seriously?
It's not possible because I've only between consuming between 1,200 - 1,400 calories per day and I've worked out the past 13 days straight. And I've been doing hard workouts where I burn a minimum of 500 calories.
I looked up my BMR (which was figured just using my weight, height, gender and age) and it is around 2,500. So if I burn 2,500 calories a day doing nothing and add in my exercise, then that's 3,000 calories per day that I burn. If I'm eating 1,500 calories (because I like simple math), then my deficit is 1,500 calories.
You have to burn 3,500 calories to lose a pound. I would do that in approximately 2 days (but really more like 1.5 since I eat less and burn closer to 800 calories per workout).
There are other factors - like muscle-building, water retention, etc - but the bottom line is that I just want to see a smaller number on the scale. I wish I wasn't so tied to the scale but it's the only "proof" I have that I'm losing weight - it's too early to see a difference in my clothes.
I'm feeling better though - I like eating "clean" and working out again. I'm getting more energy and I'm feeling more in shape - sort of like I did when I trained for my half marathons. Part of me wanted to go for a run today, but I was so tired from my 1.5 hour workout this morning (deep water aerobics, which sounds easy, but I do it without a belt to hold me up, so I tread water the entire time - the instructor said that I probably burned at least 1,200 calories, but I don't know for sure - myfitnesspal said it was about 800, so that's what I went with).
Steve is desperate for a "cheat meal" so I told him if he agrees to swim a mile with me tomorrow then we can make homemade pizza (so good and not really bad for you - just higher in calories that my usual dinner) and open a good bottle of wine for dinner. Pizza and wine - sounds so good! I'll be over my 1,200 calories probably (unless I can eat very little for breakfast and lunch), but I think it's good to splurge every once in awhile.
When I lost 100 pounds, I had an all-out cheat meal once a week and still lost 100 pounds in 10 months - 1 bad meal out of 21 a week is still really good. And a fuck of a lot better then I had been doing!
One of the things I hate most about dieting or doing Weight Watchers is how much I think about food - it's really exhausting. I plan and track every bite and every meal and it would be nice to just eat without having to worry about it. But if I don't worry about it, I gain weight. It's a vicious cycle.
I wish I lost a pound with every good decision I make. That just seems so much more fair. For example, last night we went to this outdoor symphony thing with my friends, who were eating chips, cookies, sub sandwiches and drinking beers. I had grilled chicken, veggies a 64 calorie beer (just one) and a 90 calorie sugar free brownie.
Seriously? That should be an automatic loss of a pound, right? Not a gain of one!!
Part of me thinks I should have just had a fucking cookie...
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
A Family that Clomids Together...
What I didn't talk about in my last post was my husband's fertility issues.
My doctor suggested that he get checked first since it was easier and less expensive. He gave his sample and we found that he had a high number of abnormal sperm (circle swimmers as my doctor would say).
Everything else was normal and actually looked really good. He went to a urologist for a further physical exam and a blood test, and that's when we discovered he has low testosterone. Like really low, which is dangerous because it can cause osteoporosis and heart issues (I don't remember exactly what kind of issues).
Typically the "cure" is testosterone, but you can't take it around pregnant women or if your wife/partner is trying to get pregnant. As an alternative the doctor prescribed him Clomid, and after taking it for two months, his testosterone level was normal. He had to have a normal testosterone level for a few months until he could do another semen analysis, which he did a few weeks ago.
He meets with the doctor July 31 to get the results. There is no guarantee that the low testosterone caused high number of abnormal sperm, but the doctor felt there could definitely be a correlation.
I went to my doctor Monday and she didn't even do my PAP, we just talked about the next steps and my blood tests. She agreed that I probably have "a little PCOS" but that there was no need to test me for it because the cure is Clomid (perhaps we can get a family discount?). She never talks about my weight, but when I brought it up she agreed that losing weight would probably help.
You can only take Clomid for a max of six cycles (and only three that you ovulate - so if it takes you two months on Clomid before you start ovulating, you'll be on it for five months). That being said, she won't start me on it until we get Steve's results. I only have a finite number of months with Clomid, so his sperm needs to be good. If it's not good then we'll have to go to a fertility specialist and we'll probably have to do IUI (inter-uterine insemination - basically they take Steve's sample and wash it so there are only good sperm left and inject it in my uterus right before I ovulate).
So basically Clomid is definitely in my future - just depends on whether it's my next cycle or if we have to wait to see the fertility doctor (he's so popular, I bet it will take months to get in, which is heartbreaking). Of course Clomid is a risk since I do ovulate sometimes (seriously, I just was pregnant 5 months ago) and my gyno can't monitor the number of eggs released. If we are not successful on Clomid, we can do injectables with the fertility doctor. She said it was between $2k - $3k each. I'm hoping there is just one per month!!!
She said we "would have no problems getting pregnant on injectables", but we're going to start with Clomid. I heard that IUI's are about $600, which isn't that bad. So...more waiting for now. I'm not supposed to start my next period until August 3, so if Steve gets the all clear, I could be on Clomid soon.
I was also worried about staying pregnant and she told me that when I start taking Clomid, I will come in every month on day 21 for a blood test to confirm ovulation (if I don't ovulate then they'll up my dosage). As soon as I get a positive result, then I'll come in for more blood work and they'll supplement me with progesterone if needed (and I'll probably be tested weekly).
That made me feel better, so we decided to try naturally one last time since I'm ovualting (supposedly) this week anyway, but I'm not expecting to get pregnant. I feel better after talking to my doctor. I'm a little more positive now. The doctor said we both have minor problems. Seems like a miracle that we were able to get pregnant in the first place (Steve wasn't on Clomid then either). Although not really sure I'd call that experience a miracle. July 31st will determine our next step. It's going to be a long week and a half!!
My doctor suggested that he get checked first since it was easier and less expensive. He gave his sample and we found that he had a high number of abnormal sperm (circle swimmers as my doctor would say).
Everything else was normal and actually looked really good. He went to a urologist for a further physical exam and a blood test, and that's when we discovered he has low testosterone. Like really low, which is dangerous because it can cause osteoporosis and heart issues (I don't remember exactly what kind of issues).
Typically the "cure" is testosterone, but you can't take it around pregnant women or if your wife/partner is trying to get pregnant. As an alternative the doctor prescribed him Clomid, and after taking it for two months, his testosterone level was normal. He had to have a normal testosterone level for a few months until he could do another semen analysis, which he did a few weeks ago.
He meets with the doctor July 31 to get the results. There is no guarantee that the low testosterone caused high number of abnormal sperm, but the doctor felt there could definitely be a correlation.
I went to my doctor Monday and she didn't even do my PAP, we just talked about the next steps and my blood tests. She agreed that I probably have "a little PCOS" but that there was no need to test me for it because the cure is Clomid (perhaps we can get a family discount?). She never talks about my weight, but when I brought it up she agreed that losing weight would probably help.
You can only take Clomid for a max of six cycles (and only three that you ovulate - so if it takes you two months on Clomid before you start ovulating, you'll be on it for five months). That being said, she won't start me on it until we get Steve's results. I only have a finite number of months with Clomid, so his sperm needs to be good. If it's not good then we'll have to go to a fertility specialist and we'll probably have to do IUI (inter-uterine insemination - basically they take Steve's sample and wash it so there are only good sperm left and inject it in my uterus right before I ovulate).
So basically Clomid is definitely in my future - just depends on whether it's my next cycle or if we have to wait to see the fertility doctor (he's so popular, I bet it will take months to get in, which is heartbreaking). Of course Clomid is a risk since I do ovulate sometimes (seriously, I just was pregnant 5 months ago) and my gyno can't monitor the number of eggs released. If we are not successful on Clomid, we can do injectables with the fertility doctor. She said it was between $2k - $3k each. I'm hoping there is just one per month!!!
She said we "would have no problems getting pregnant on injectables", but we're going to start with Clomid. I heard that IUI's are about $600, which isn't that bad. So...more waiting for now. I'm not supposed to start my next period until August 3, so if Steve gets the all clear, I could be on Clomid soon.
I was also worried about staying pregnant and she told me that when I start taking Clomid, I will come in every month on day 21 for a blood test to confirm ovulation (if I don't ovulate then they'll up my dosage). As soon as I get a positive result, then I'll come in for more blood work and they'll supplement me with progesterone if needed (and I'll probably be tested weekly).
That made me feel better, so we decided to try naturally one last time since I'm ovualting (supposedly) this week anyway, but I'm not expecting to get pregnant. I feel better after talking to my doctor. I'm a little more positive now. The doctor said we both have minor problems. Seems like a miracle that we were able to get pregnant in the first place (Steve wasn't on Clomid then either). Although not really sure I'd call that experience a miracle. July 31st will determine our next step. It's going to be a long week and a half!!
Sunday, July 15, 2012
Trying to get Pregnant
If you want to read about my 20's, my old blog is here: http://singlegirl.diaryland.com/ Man, sometimes I miss those days!
Now I'm 34, married and trying to get pregnant.
Steve and I got married 10 months ago and the first year has been really good. I would say perfect except that we've been trying to get pregnant since our wedding night.
Like many people, I sort of thought I would get pregnant right away. My periods were regular - like clock-work even - and I've never had any issues "down there." The first few months it didn't happen I was mildly disappointed, but still had hope. The holidays passed and each month I would get more and more depressed when I saw the first spot of blood.
Then in February I started bleeding a week early - at first it was just a little and I was over joyed - I thought it was implantation bleeding. But then the bleeding got worse and worse and I had cramping and bloating and it reminded me of the ruptured ovarian cyst I had a few years prior (wait, I guess that was one issue that I had "down there"). I called my gyno and she scheduled an internal ultrasound the next week.
I went in and we found that was no fluid and everything looked fine. They could even seen where I had ovulated (on my right ovary). She said it could have been an early miscarrage, but she couldn't say for sure.
Because I had my "period" a week early I wasn't sure when to expect my period. In fact Steve and I didn't try really hard that month...I sort of figured I needed my body to reset and get back to normal. About 5 weeks passed and I had no period. It was an unusually warm March, so we had planned to grill and have a few beers on the back deck.
For fun (not really - I hate those things) I took a pregnancy test and almost passed out when I saw a faint second line. I think I screamed something like, "Holy fucking shit" and Steve came running upstairs. We went to the drugstore and bought 4 more tests and I took them all and got positive results (I also took more in the middle of the night and the next day). I guess I couldn't believe that we were finally pregnant. Especially after the weird "period" and not really trying that hard.
I was a happy pregnant woman for a few days - I found out on a Wednesday and I started bleeding on Saturday and confirmed that I miscarried on Monday (I went in for blood tests that day, but peed on a stick and got :"not pregnant" in the result window that night). I passed it naturally the following Friday, literally right before we left for spring break.
We went to DC to visit my brother and I spent the week sightseeing, drinking and eating and pretending like I didn't have a miscarriage. When we got back I went back to my doctor and she told me to wait one cycle before trying again. I really thought I would get pregnant again on the first try. When it didn't happen, I was devestated.
Once that happened, I finally grieved about my miscarriage and had a really, really sad week or two. It was something I needed to process though. That was in May and since then I haven't really had a normal period.
I'm not ovulating anymore...I decided to use an ovulation predictor kit in June (which was sort of pointless because Steve and I literally have sex either every day or every other day on day 10 - 21) just to see what it said...well, it said I never ovualted. I called my doctor and went in for blood tests the past couple of weeks. My first round of results (day 3) were good. I have good levels of FSH, LH and thyroid and something else. My day 21 test was for progesterone and it came back incredibly low (6.6 and it's supposed to be 14). And I got my period early and my left ovary has been hurting.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I can't wait to get answers. Well, I know she's not going to know anything tomorrow - more tests will have to be scheduled, but I can't wait to get started on the next steps.
The truth is, I'm desperate to have kids. I know I just got married, but I've wanted to be a mom forever. I honestly feel like my life will be completely pointless if I don't have kids. I'm also sort of a glass-half-empty type person, which I hate. Each month when I get my period, I'm so depressed for a few days. I hate feeling like that. I wish I could cheer up and be optimistic, but it's just so difficult. I'm not built that way.
When I got the news I wasn't ovulating it was awful. I've been crying off and on for the past several days - I feel like it's a death sentence. Which is so dramatic, I know, but I'm just so frustrated.
My theory is that I have PCOS - I hope I don't, but I bet I do. I've been struggling with my weight forever. At one point I weighed 309 pounds. I lost 110 pounds and got down to 200 and I was healthy. I was a size 10 (I have a very hourglass shaped figure and large boobs) and ran 9 half marathons and had no medical conditions.
I hit 100 pounds down at my 30th birthday, so it wasn't that long ago. I kept it off for 2 years and then it started creeping back on...today I weigh 273 pounds, but I still consider myself somewhat healthy. It sounds riduclous, I know, but I don't have high cholesterol, am not diabetic (or pre-diabetic), do not have high blood pressure, etc. I workout (I swam a mile today for example) and try to eat as healthy as I can.
I love my husband, but he loves to eat (and loves going out to eat), but he is blessed with a very fast metabolism and can do that. I enjoyed that lifestyle with him the past few years, but obviously I need to get back to my old healthy habits. He's so supportive of me too - especially now since my weight could be a factor in our infertility.
I don't know much about PCOS, but I do know that it can be caused be obesity and not ovulating is a symptom. That's the only symptom I have, but that's the biggest one! The test for it is a 2 hour glucose test, so hopefully I can do that this week.
PCOS can be fixed by Clomid (helps you ovulate) and I can take progesterone, but I can't decide if I should lose 70 pounds really fast or just take the drugs. Keep in mind I haven't talked to my doctor so I don't even know what my options are. Maybe I don't have PCOS and my body just needs a kickstart after the miscarriage (the nurse told me that when she called me about my results).
Another thought is that my left ovary isn't working. I know for sure my right ovary was the one that released the egg when I got pregnant since it was verified by the internal ultrasound. And my left ovary has been throbbing off and on for the past 8 months or so (since we started trying). I think that can also be a sign of PCOS though...
I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow. I'm nervous. I can probably lose 70 pounds in about 4 months if I really try (it'll be awful, but I think I can do it - truth be told, I weighed 181 last Monday, so I've lost 8 pounds in 6 days). I'm really motivated. I want a baby so badly I will do whatever I have to.
The other thing though is that we can't just write a check for $30k to have in-vitro or adopt, so I need to find out ASAP what's going on so I can get the money (selling drugs, my body or robbing banks might be in my future).
That's my story right now...there are a few other things, but that's enough for now. Tomorrow is one of those days that will change the course of my life. At least I hope it is.
Now I'm 34, married and trying to get pregnant.
Steve and I got married 10 months ago and the first year has been really good. I would say perfect except that we've been trying to get pregnant since our wedding night.
Like many people, I sort of thought I would get pregnant right away. My periods were regular - like clock-work even - and I've never had any issues "down there." The first few months it didn't happen I was mildly disappointed, but still had hope. The holidays passed and each month I would get more and more depressed when I saw the first spot of blood.
Then in February I started bleeding a week early - at first it was just a little and I was over joyed - I thought it was implantation bleeding. But then the bleeding got worse and worse and I had cramping and bloating and it reminded me of the ruptured ovarian cyst I had a few years prior (wait, I guess that was one issue that I had "down there"). I called my gyno and she scheduled an internal ultrasound the next week.
I went in and we found that was no fluid and everything looked fine. They could even seen where I had ovulated (on my right ovary). She said it could have been an early miscarrage, but she couldn't say for sure.
Because I had my "period" a week early I wasn't sure when to expect my period. In fact Steve and I didn't try really hard that month...I sort of figured I needed my body to reset and get back to normal. About 5 weeks passed and I had no period. It was an unusually warm March, so we had planned to grill and have a few beers on the back deck.
For fun (not really - I hate those things) I took a pregnancy test and almost passed out when I saw a faint second line. I think I screamed something like, "Holy fucking shit" and Steve came running upstairs. We went to the drugstore and bought 4 more tests and I took them all and got positive results (I also took more in the middle of the night and the next day). I guess I couldn't believe that we were finally pregnant. Especially after the weird "period" and not really trying that hard.
I was a happy pregnant woman for a few days - I found out on a Wednesday and I started bleeding on Saturday and confirmed that I miscarried on Monday (I went in for blood tests that day, but peed on a stick and got :"not pregnant" in the result window that night). I passed it naturally the following Friday, literally right before we left for spring break.
We went to DC to visit my brother and I spent the week sightseeing, drinking and eating and pretending like I didn't have a miscarriage. When we got back I went back to my doctor and she told me to wait one cycle before trying again. I really thought I would get pregnant again on the first try. When it didn't happen, I was devestated.
Once that happened, I finally grieved about my miscarriage and had a really, really sad week or two. It was something I needed to process though. That was in May and since then I haven't really had a normal period.
I'm not ovulating anymore...I decided to use an ovulation predictor kit in June (which was sort of pointless because Steve and I literally have sex either every day or every other day on day 10 - 21) just to see what it said...well, it said I never ovualted. I called my doctor and went in for blood tests the past couple of weeks. My first round of results (day 3) were good. I have good levels of FSH, LH and thyroid and something else. My day 21 test was for progesterone and it came back incredibly low (6.6 and it's supposed to be 14). And I got my period early and my left ovary has been hurting.
I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I can't wait to get answers. Well, I know she's not going to know anything tomorrow - more tests will have to be scheduled, but I can't wait to get started on the next steps.
The truth is, I'm desperate to have kids. I know I just got married, but I've wanted to be a mom forever. I honestly feel like my life will be completely pointless if I don't have kids. I'm also sort of a glass-half-empty type person, which I hate. Each month when I get my period, I'm so depressed for a few days. I hate feeling like that. I wish I could cheer up and be optimistic, but it's just so difficult. I'm not built that way.
When I got the news I wasn't ovulating it was awful. I've been crying off and on for the past several days - I feel like it's a death sentence. Which is so dramatic, I know, but I'm just so frustrated.
My theory is that I have PCOS - I hope I don't, but I bet I do. I've been struggling with my weight forever. At one point I weighed 309 pounds. I lost 110 pounds and got down to 200 and I was healthy. I was a size 10 (I have a very hourglass shaped figure and large boobs) and ran 9 half marathons and had no medical conditions.
I hit 100 pounds down at my 30th birthday, so it wasn't that long ago. I kept it off for 2 years and then it started creeping back on...today I weigh 273 pounds, but I still consider myself somewhat healthy. It sounds riduclous, I know, but I don't have high cholesterol, am not diabetic (or pre-diabetic), do not have high blood pressure, etc. I workout (I swam a mile today for example) and try to eat as healthy as I can.
I love my husband, but he loves to eat (and loves going out to eat), but he is blessed with a very fast metabolism and can do that. I enjoyed that lifestyle with him the past few years, but obviously I need to get back to my old healthy habits. He's so supportive of me too - especially now since my weight could be a factor in our infertility.
I don't know much about PCOS, but I do know that it can be caused be obesity and not ovulating is a symptom. That's the only symptom I have, but that's the biggest one! The test for it is a 2 hour glucose test, so hopefully I can do that this week.
PCOS can be fixed by Clomid (helps you ovulate) and I can take progesterone, but I can't decide if I should lose 70 pounds really fast or just take the drugs. Keep in mind I haven't talked to my doctor so I don't even know what my options are. Maybe I don't have PCOS and my body just needs a kickstart after the miscarriage (the nurse told me that when she called me about my results).
Another thought is that my left ovary isn't working. I know for sure my right ovary was the one that released the egg when I got pregnant since it was verified by the internal ultrasound. And my left ovary has been throbbing off and on for the past 8 months or so (since we started trying). I think that can also be a sign of PCOS though...
I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow. I'm nervous. I can probably lose 70 pounds in about 4 months if I really try (it'll be awful, but I think I can do it - truth be told, I weighed 181 last Monday, so I've lost 8 pounds in 6 days). I'm really motivated. I want a baby so badly I will do whatever I have to.
The other thing though is that we can't just write a check for $30k to have in-vitro or adopt, so I need to find out ASAP what's going on so I can get the money (selling drugs, my body or robbing banks might be in my future).
That's my story right now...there are a few other things, but that's enough for now. Tomorrow is one of those days that will change the course of my life. At least I hope it is.
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