Don't Worry, Be Happy

The doctor's appointment was a disappointment.

Steve's hormone levels are perfect and yet he only has 3 - 5% of normal sperm. The doctor said that there is nothing else we can do (he said some people take suppliments but there has been no proof that they work and he personally has not had patients who were successful after taking them for an extended period of time) and that Steve's sperm was the "best it was going to be."

He disagreed with my gynocologist and thought it was "very possible" for me to get pregnant with his sperm - especially since it just happened earlier this year. However, since he cannot prescribe me Clomid, his opinon doesn't really matter (but I appreciated his confidence in us).

I called my doctor while we were still in the building and she said that I needed to call the fertility specialist, which I did immediately. His first available appointment? October 22!

Because he is so popular (i.e. successful in getting people pregnant) I knew there would be a long wait. Unfortunately I am not a patient person.

I accepted the appointment and then called another doctor that was recommended to me by a few people. He has an opening next Thursday (August 8), which I also accepted.

I was a little sad about the results (fertility treatments = $$$ and more time), but also positive because I like having a next step lined up. And one that doesn't require a 3 month wait is even better! And if I don't like the doctor next week, at least I have the other appointment in October, so my bases are covered (and I'm on the immedate cancelation list so hopefully I could get in even sooner if needed).

Steve and I had a rough Tuesday and Wednesday...I think he was feeling depressed about things and probably hearing my theory about how his family tree might be cursed and maybe he's not supposed to have kids probably didn't help. But seriously - he is the LAST person who can pass down his paternal genes. He's an only child and nobody in the previous 2 generations had kids except his dad. And while telling him that theory I probably shouldn't have said, "Maybe I attached my cart to the wrong horse."

It sounded horrible, but I meant because of his family curse (which I just made up on the spot) not because I'm sad I married him, sad he has crappy sperm, etc.

Anyway...after I got home from work on Wednesday I decided to take a pregnant test (my period isn't due until Saturday), just in case. We really didn't try last month, which was kind of nice. Yes, we made sure to have sex a few times during the week I "probably" ovulated, but more of the sex we had was for fun, and it hadn't been that way in a long time. I had ZERO expectations because I haven't been ovulating.

I am encouraged, however, that my progesterone is improving because I have pimples this month (there are lots of things I would change about myself, but I have to say I have GREAT skin - I rarely get pimples, don't have to wear foundation, etc - the last time I had a zit was the last time I was pregnant) and as of Wednesday, I hadn't started my period (the prior months my period was a week early because I never ovulated). So if nothing else, it proves that my progesterone is improving.

Even with that, imagine my absolute and utter astonishment when the test was POSTIVE.

I don't fuck around with the regular pregnant tests anymore - I only do digital and I almost forgot to go back into the bathroom and look at it before I went out to water my flowers. I quickly glanced down and I'm pretty sure I almost fainted. I fully expected to see "not pregnant" and not just the "pregnant" result.

I handed Steve the test and immediately got on the phone to call my doctor (having a miscarriage has totally fucked up the happy pregnant feelings for me, so there was no celebration really - a quick hug and an I love you as the phone was ringing) and she told me that I should come in immediately for a blood test (if my progesterone is too low I could miscarry again).

I live about 45 minutes from the doctor and the lab closed in 45 minutes. And it was about to be rush hour. I drove like a maniac (I seriously felt like if I didn't get there in time then I would lose the baby and it would be because I couldn't go faster) and actually managed to get there at 4:56...and the lab was closed.

I was so pissed. I stood there and knocked on the door until the nurse let me in and I told her that I drove 45 miles over the speed limit to get here in time and I WAS technically there in time, so they had to take my blood. She was super shitty, but she did it. But by the end, she was hugging me and telling me keep in touch - I decided to kill her with kindness. And she got like 5 minutes of overtime, so really how big of a deal was it?!?

So now I'm waiting for the results - I'll have them by tomorrow and the doctor will be able to call in a progesterone prescription for me before the weekend if needed. Part of me wants to just take it as a precaution, but I don't know...

I'm SO early pregnant...I'm not even sure how I got a positive already. I must have implanted super early. My estimated implantation date was yesterday, but obviously it implanted earlier than that. I took another test this morning (and I might every morning for awhile) and I'm still pregnant.

Last time, I also found out on a Wednesday and started miscarrying on Saturday, so this will be a nerve-wracking weekend for me.

I also think it's odd how early I had symptoms. Like I woke up in the middle of the night and puked last Saturday. I assumed it was because I had a cheat meal and my body wasn't used to the fried food (but total bonus that I threw some of it up!) - and then yesterday I started having that rock-in-my-stomach feeling, which is what I had last pregnancy too. And last night I dreamt that I was really sick and puking all night and my stomach was killing me.

I don't know - seems like strong symptoms for only being 3 weeks and 4 days. Part of me thinks maybe I'm not really pregnant and my body is just randomly producing HGC (or is it HCG) to fuck with me. I guess I'll know tomorrow.

I haven't called to schedule my first appointment or anything like that. I figure I might as well wait until I talk to them tomorrow...I also haven't canceled my fertility appointment for next week. If I miscarry before then, we're going to go. Although, not sure we need a fertility doctor anymore - we have now gotten pregnant twice in the past 5 months. If I miscarry, it'll be more of a problem that I can't carry it to term. And I'm not going to cancel my October one until right before. Call me superstitious, but I don't want to get cocky.

I just can't believe that life would be so cruel that I would miscarry again. Surely this is my time, right?

I need to stay away from all the baby boards and stop analyzing everything (I'm googling annoying things like "best prenantal vitamins" and "can symptoms come and go" and I may or may not have already joined a baby board and downloaded an app - luckily if I miscary, they are super easy to delete and unsubscrip from - I know from experience). I also wish I would stop going to the bathroom and examining the toilet paper to make sure there was not blood on it when I wipe.

I think I will do that the entire time though - as I said, miscarrying in March was devestating to me. The next few months will go by so slowly. October 7th will be the start of my 2nd trimester. My due date is April 14.

Last time I was pregnant I found out right before Saint Patty's Day and my due date was November 18th - I felt then that the time would fly by - it was almost summer and summers go by so quickly. Then it's football season and getting ready for the holidays. Now I feel like it's still hot and by the time I'm due it'll be just about summer again - there's fall and winter and most of spring to get through...I don't know - it just seems like a slower period of time, if that makes sense.

On a random side note - I lost 18 pounds since my last cycle! I'm also nervous about working out and eating more food, but I managed a 1 hour workout that I was comfortable with (I did the elliptical for 30 minutes but kept my heart rate aound 130 and did free weights - arms - for 30 minutes but lowered the weight slightly). I asked the nurse if 1,200 calories was enough and she said not even close. I'm aiming for 2,000, but I'm mostly going to listen to my body and keep eating healthy nutritious foods and hope that's good enough.

I was told to stop counting calories, but I'm afraid that I will either not eat enough or go crazy and eat like 4,000 a day. I need some sort of way to measure. I already didn't do great today - I doubled my breakfast to add calories (and was so disgustingly full after) - 2 eggs, 2 turkey sausages, 1 low fat cheese and 2 whole wheat pieces of bread. Lunch was leftover whole wheat pasta with 1 Italian turkey sausage and marinara sauce. Snack was a banana with a glass of milk, And dinner really wanted to be McDonald's, but I talked myself into a BLT with a homemade pesto mayo with low fat kettle chips.

Not a lot of fruit and veggies and a whole lot of carbs and processed foods. I wasn't feeling great all day, and when I don't feel good all I want to eat is bread. But, I was at 1,600 calories, so at least I went up a bit. And I didn't eat anything fried. A small victory.

And really, complaining about not being about to workout and having to eat enough is so ridiculous, I know. I just don't want to reverse the hard work I did this past month if I end up miscarrying anyway.

I will take any pregnant symptom and do whatever it takes to have a happy, healthy baby in April. I'm nothing if not tenacious! If I could maintain this pregnancy on sheer will, I would have no worries!

I read something on a local church sign on my way to work - "Worrying is like praying for something you don't want to happen." That really resonated with me since I'm a huge worrier (hence the anxiety disorder). And it's sort of follows the principal of The Secret too. I can't control if I miscarry. I can only do my best to be healthy, so worrying is not going to help anything. Easier said than done, but that sign really spoke to me.

Interestingly the other side of the sign said "Expect great things from God." I'm not a super religous person, but I sort of felt those signs were meant just for me. It's a miracle that I'm pregnant right now and I shouldn't worry about it....I wish it was that easy!