Birth Story

So when we left off I was 38 weeks pregnant and not feeling all that perky. Looking back, I don't really think my pregnancy was that awful, but I know it was...it really is funny how you forget. I was nauseous and dizzy for months, I had food aversions the entire 9 months, I had wicked heartburn that I didn't get figured out until the last month, I didn't sleep at all and I had terrible aches and pains - including awful knee pain the last few months that brought me to tears many times.

How is that not awful (and yes, I do realize that it could have been worse - at least MT was healthy)? Although to be fair, a few of these things I can (hopefully) avoid the next time. I now know that I can take Pepcid AC for the heartburn and it's almost 100% effective. I also know that if I have awful back/sciatica pain, that the chiropractor can fix it. I had my knees x-rayed after I gave birth (they were more painful after and hurt like hell for about 3 weeks and then one day...gone - no pain at all) and I have weak knee muscles and need to start spinning before I get pregnant (and then keep spinning during pregnancy!).

I can't do anything about the morning sickness or food aversion, but since I lost all my baby weight two weeks after giving birth, I'm a little grateful that I didn't gain a lot because of that.

It really is amazing how you feel completely normal (with the exception of my knee pain - seriously after I gave birth, the nurses would ask my pain level and each time the only pain I had was knee pain - it was way worse than the stitches!) almost immediately after. While I was pregnant, I honestly thought I would never sleep or eat again - I was wrong!

And yes, for all those people who kept saying, "Just wait - it only gets worse!" when I complained about not sleeping when pregnant - you're wrong. I sleep much more now - I probably got about 4 hours a night while pregnant, and now I'm back up to 8+ hours (6 in a row and then 2 - 4 after a quick 30 minute nursing session).

But, my birth story...let's start with the week leading up to it.

I did everything I could think of - two acupuncture sessions, a chiropractor appointment, walking in the pool, spicy foods, exercise ball, red raspberry leaf tea - and when I went into my last appointment (Wednesday, April 10th), nothing had changed. MT was still up high and I hadn't dilated or effaced any more. I was so discouraged, but I was also done. We went ahead and scheduled an induction for Tuesday morning (April 16th).

My doctor told me to relax over the weekend, have a glass of wine and to stop trying to make things happen.

The next day, Thursday, was my last day of work before maternity leave. I went to the bathroom around noon and noticed a glob of mucus and a little blood. I'm not sure if you've ever google-imaged "bloody show" or "mucous plug" (don't!), but the photos are scary. Mine was just a little of each (and nothing like the photos!), so I wasn't 100% sure that's what it was, but I figured it probably was. I had read online that this late in pregnancy, it was a definite sign of labor and usually it happened within 48 hours.

Later that night, I had more blood, but nothing happened, and nothing happened on Friday or Saturday either (well, I had my glass of wine Saturday night and it was heavenly!)...not until midnight on Saturday/Sunday at least. I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed that my underwear was a little wet. Not a lot, but it was unusual (I had not peed unintentionally my entire pregnancy) - I figured the baby was on my bladder, but hopped on google to make sure I didn't have a slow leak (I read that amniotic fluid has a sweet smell and that even if it's a slow leak, that once you get up, it will come out).

So I laid back down and got up 30 minutes later and nothing else came out (and it wasn't sweet smelling). At that point I figured I hit a new low and wet myself a little. I went back to bed, couldn't sleep (not surprising) and started to read a book. Within a few minutes, I had a sharp pain, which was definitely a contraction. I had contractions for about 4 hours before I woke Steve up (he had to go to work on Sunday, and since he's a firefighter, he can't just call in sick). I had been timing them and they were all over the place -  8 minutes apart, then 4 (!) and then 25, etc.

He reluctantly went to work and then came home a few hours later after talking with his co-workers. But nothing changed. I did call the on-call doctor, but she never called me back. He eventually went back to work and my mom came over to spend the night with me.

Something else to note - sometime that morning, I noticed that whenever I went to the bathroom, there was a lot of clear liquid on the toilet paper and also dark brown mucus (but a lot of it). I thought I was having more of a bloody show.

Around 3:30, my mom and I were playing keep away with the dog in the backyard (shows you how far apart my contractions were at this point - they were strong ones though - to the point I had to bend over and breathe through them), when I noticed fluid bubbling out of me - just a few little bubbles. My mom was so nervous all day - she kept encouraging me to call the doctor back, but I figured she was just busy and would call when she could. At that point she insisted, so I called the service back and told them that it had been hours and hours and I never received a cal back from the doctor, and they were shocked. My phone rang about 30 seconds later and the doctor told me to come in for a quick test to determine if it was amniotic fluid.

Let me say that if I didn't live 45 minutes away from the hospital (and didn't go there several times a week the past few weeks already - non-stress tests every other day since MT didn't move hardly at all at the end - it sucked so bad!), I probably would have called sooner. I really need to pick a closer hospital next time!

I 100% thought I was leaking urine, but my mom thought it was probably fluid, so she made me get our bags, get the house locked up like I wanted it, get the animals ready for her to pick them up later, etc. I called Steve and told him what I was doing and told him I would call him back later with the results.

I got to the hospital around 5:00 and was immediately tested...not only was it amniotic fluid, but the brown substance was meconium (MT's poop) leaking out - not good! They told me that since I had been leaking for so long (you're not really supposed to go past 24 hours), I had to be induced right away, so I was in  bed and hooked up to everything within an hour probably.

Ironically enough, I told the nurse (who did the fluid test) that I wasn't leaking fluid, but after they confirmed that it was and I got up to walk to the room, fluid gushed all over the floor and I looked like a liar - sort of funny.

I started out with a bag of antibiotics since the fluid had broken and there was meconium present. Steve got to the hospital right as they started the pitocin and they upped my dose every 10 minutes - they told me if anything went wrong, I would probably have to have a c-section because I didn't have extra time.

At this point I had been contracting for 20 hours, so I figured I could go a long time without an epidural - yeah, that didn't happen. Holy shit, contractions are awful!!!!! I called for an epidural after an hour or so. It took the guy three attempts to get it in (so yes, I had the long needle in my back three times, which didn't bother me then, but my back hurt the next day). Did I have instant relief? Yes and no - for some reason my blood pressure dropped to 80/30 and I almost passed out, so they gave me some drug that made me shake violently for hours. I had to clench my jaw to keep my face from shaking and ended up with a headache. Because of the shaking, I couldn't sleep. Steve slept while I just laid there for a few hours.

They did have to do an internal monitor (attached heart rate monitor on his head) because he wasn't cooperating (he was a pain in that department until the bitter end!). That was a relief though because before that the alarm kept going off because he would move away from the monitor on my belly. Between the alarm and the automatic blood pressure cuff (seriously it took my blood pressure twice every 30 minutes until after he was born!!!!!!!!), I'm not sure I would have been able to sleep anyway.

At one point the nurses came running in and put an oxygen mask on me and were all worked up over something. They told me that the baby's heart rate had a sudden, huge drop, but that after a minute or so it went back to normal. Scared me! It was right around then though, that I was in the most pain of my life. It was like all of a sudden my epidural had worn off. Keep in mind all this is happened with in a few hours. I think I started the pitocin around 8:30 pm, so this was probably around 2:30 am or so.

I called the nurses in and told them that I needed another epidural and they thought I was ridiculous and even got a lecture about how if I couldn't handle it, then I would have to do a c-section. I asked if they would check me to see if something happened and they agreed even though "they had just checked me not even 30 minutes ago." The nurse that checked me immediately called in another nurse to verify that I did indeed go from 5 cm dilated to 10 cm in less than 30 minutes. That's the reason why his heart rate dropped and I was in intense pain - it all happened almost too quickly.

I got more drugs and was comfortable and even though technically I was ready to push, they wanted me to wait an hour or so because he hadn't dropped enough yet. At 4:15 the nurse came back in and I was ready to push because he was farther down.

At this point, I was so tired - I had been awake for 28 hours and had been having contractions for that long. I did 3 sets of pushes (around 10 seconds each - nobody counted though - I just pushed as long as I wanted - I liked that) with each contraction and fell asleep in between. I could barely keep my eyes open to push. Pushing wasn't much fun. I was on my back (at an incline) and my legs were in stirrups and I held on to bars on the side to pull myself up (my arms killed the next day).

I pushed and pushed and almost right after I started they could see his head. Steve was in awe, but I was sort of apathetic...I didn't have my glasses on so everything was blurry and I didn't want a mirror. Steve did take a picture (and erased it immediately) so I could see what it looked like - he had lots of hair and it was weird seeing a head coming out of my vagina. For about 30 minutes I pushed and the head would crown and then go back in - I had to push him past the lip and I guess that can take a long time with first time moms.

That was the worst part for me - I would push and push and be so tired, but would hear "We see the head!" and then I would get done and they head would be back inside. Finally the head stayed out and they called the doctor and I wasn't allowed to push anymore until she got there.

On a side note, NICU had to be present at birth because of the meconium - our goal was for MT not to cry when he was born because they didn't want him to breathe in the poop. NICU needed to be there to suck the poop from his lungs and make sure he could breathe okay.

It took the doctor forever to get there. Do you know how hard it is not to push when you have a head hanging out of your vagina and you're having contractions? I honestly thought the baby was going to be born without the doctor. The nurse kept yelling at me to hang on and told me that the NICU staff would not come in without a doctor present.

Knowing that my delivery was a high risk one, and since the doctor took her sweet time getting there (this is the same doctor that was on call earlier that day that didn't call me back), you would have thought they would have had another doctor come in. It's a huge hospital with lots of babies born - the doctor wouldn't have been from my group, but surely that wouldn't have mattered in that moment.

Anyway, the doctor finally got there and in one half-hearted push, he was born. I was sort of in shock I think...Steve had the appropriate response - tears of joy and excitement. I literally had no reaction. Plus I couldn't see him well without my glasses and they took him right away (he did cry immediately of course). Steve went with him (NICU did everything in our room) and it took awhile for the placenta to come out. Steve said at one point he turned around and the doctor was literally yanking on the umbilical cord to pull it out. That grossed him out more than anything else.

Then I had to get a few stitches, but at that point the epidural had worn off some and I could feel it. It hurt but I didn't really care - I didn't want to wait for more drugs - I just wanted everyone to get away from my vagina. She sewed me up and I had to lay there and wait for NICU to finish. Luckily MT was fine and he didn't have to go up to NICU. After all that, they finally laid him on my chest. He was covered in poop - like it was in his hair, in his ears, under his fingernails - oh the blackmail we have on him!

He was born on April 15th at 5:21 am and was 7 lbs 11 oz and 20.5 inches tall. They were shocked that a first time mom, who was not dilated at all, did the whole thing in 9 hours. My doctor told me that I would probably go even faster the next time. I'll take it!

On a side note, my birth was amazingly like my mom's. With my brother, she was on-time (had I known that it was my water breaking, MT would have been born on his due date instead of one day late) and she had a slow leak that she didn't know was her water breaking. She went to her scheduled doctor's appointment that day and her water broke more there (ran down her leg like mine did). Then my brother was born within 12 hours of that. She also had to have pitocin because she never progressed past 1 cm - I didn't either even though I had contractions for 20 hours.

We were in our room by 7:30 am and I was able to walk from the delivery bed to the wheelchair - I recovered quickly and didn't have anything stronger than Aleve for the pain (and honestly it was for knee pain more than anything else).

Our time at the hospital was a little stressful - he lost 10% of his body weight - mostly because he didn't wake up for 12 hours after his circumcision. I think because of that, my milk didn't come in properly (I didn't nurse or pump for that long) and so I have to supplement with formula. I struggled with the baby blues for a few weeks (mostly over guilt of not being able to 100% breastfeed - I do at every meal, but he almost always wants a bottle after - I've been to lactation consultants and to a breast feeding support group and I am about 2 oz short of what he needs each time).

The lack of sleep at first was hard, but I was kind of stupid. I didn't take naps ever - when he was sleeping I was busy doing stuff- cleaning or laundry. I should have slept since I was getting up every 3 hours in the middle of the night. The first month was the hardest - I finally was able to sleep again and being in bed felt sooooo good - getting up to feed him was miserable. I hadn't slept a full night in almost a year, but after 4 weeks, he started sleeping longer and now he goes most the night without waking.

He is 8 weeks today and I love being a mom. It took us a few days to decide on a name, but he is Van. I love it and it suits him perfectly. I was worried since my family didn't seem to like it (it's the first part of my maiden name), but it turns out they loved it but didn't want to influence me. Steve thought he should be Van as soon as he saw him because he looked like me when he cried for the first time. And he looks so much like my dad and his side of the family that he's definitely living up to his name.

We are going to try for baby #2 in a few months. Yes, I know we're crazy, but I want 1 or 2 more and we're older (36 and 40 this year), so we don't have a lot of time to spare. October is when we'll officially start trying again. I also sort of think that if I don't just do it again soon I might not want to do it at all. I just hope I'm not as sick the next time!

Here are a few photos - I'm so in love! I will have to do another post about him and his little personality! I could probably do an entire entry on his lips. And his hair - these photos don't do it justice. It stands on end like he's been electrocuted. No wonder I had heartburn!

38 Weeks

I'm updating before I delivered - I was beginning to wonder if that would happen. Not because I think labor is near, but because I'm so lazy and tired all the time.

I have accomplished quite a bit since my last post, but I definitely have much less energy than I did before. I listened to everyone when they told me that I have "plenty of time" and didn't do much to get ready for the baby before 35 weeks. Unfortunately around then, everything changed for me. I went from not really feeling that pregnant (I had heartburn, trouble sleeping, etc, but physically I felt fine), to feeling so lazy and tired and sore all the time. It made getting things ready for MT a lot more difficult. Lesson learned for my next pregnancy!

I have had a total of 4 non-stress tests now because of lack of movement. Seriously, having an anterior placenta sucks. Every time he's fine, but sometimes I go 24-36 hours without really feeling him (or not feeling him "at least 5 times in an hour") and it's just so frustrating and time-consuming (each time takes about 2-3 hours and costs about $300 - which of course it's worth it, but just being able to feel him like every other person would be a hell of a lot more convenient!). Hopefully I won't have to have any more before he's here!

I also had 3 baby showers, and they were all so nice and I'm so grateful to have people in my life who love me. The first one was my work shower. I've only worked there since September and I was shocked at how much they did. The rented out a room in a restaurant and about 20 people were there. There were lots of presents, cake, etc. They also invited a few of my previous co-workers (I worked at another school prior and they are HUGE rivals - and I was recruited so there was a little animosity there) - they all mingled together and it was fine. It was all so thoughtful and unexpected!

My second shower was thrown by my 5 best friends, of which 3 are pregnant too. I had other friends there, my mom and her friends (who are close family friends), my family and Steve's mom. My friends went above and beyond - the games were fun (there were paper bags that each had a letter that spelled Baby Hoffman and guests had to guess what was in each bag - the letter stood for what was in the bag - ex: B was Butt Paste - and I got to keep all the baby items inside; they also had everyone bring a big and they hung them up and everyone voted on their favorite and now I have plenty of really cute bibs), the brunch and cake were so good and MT got lots of good stuff - things we really needed.

My last shower was with Steve's family (and Steve went too). He has a really big family and it was such a nice shower as well - fun games again (classic ones - guess the baby food, melted candy in diapers), a good lunch and wonderful gifts for the baby. And we hadn't seen his family since our wedding (which makes me feel so badly, but they are so big they don't get together as a huge group very often - and I sort of have the feeling that his mom is the odd one out, so they don't really get invited to stuff often), but luckily there is a graduation party (for all the high school graduates in his extended family this year - that's how big his family is), a bridal shower and a wedding, so I'll see them three times between June and August.

The nursery is "done." It's not that exciting, but everything is washed and put away and ready for MT. Boy nursery stuff just isn't as cute. Neither are the clothes. It does get better once they get older, but the 0-6 month stuff isn't all that fun. There are definitely some cute things, but overall girl stuff is so much better.I was so bummed about it for awhile and I realized that I'm mostly bummed because I have never had an easy time shopping.

I've been plus sized most my life, so that limits me right there. Then I discovered that there are even less plus sized maternity stores (thank goodness I am still only around 15 pounds gained - I can still wear many non-maternity tops). And even my bra size limits me (typically a 36 DDD, but my nursing bra is a J - seriously? It's awful and huge and even though I found ones that didn't resemble turtlenecks, they're not sexy and really tall - I hope I don't have to buy a new summer wardrobe because most of my summer dresses are not high cut. But even being a DDD, there aren't a lot of cute bras. And now, with having a boy, there are not as many cute choices that girls have. And 75% of the baby stores are dedicated to girls and then there are a few racks for boys.

Blah, blah, blah - clearly I just need to lose weight and get a breast reduction, but for now, I'll just complain about it :)

Of course I don't really know what I'm doing - there are cute little shorts, button down shirts, etc for baby boys, but I didn't buy much of that stuff, because I don't think it looks comfortable for a newborn. I have a few of those, and he'll wear them if we're out at a cookout or something, but I think he'd be much happier in a soft onsie (I would be!). Maybe by the middle/end of summer he'll be able to wear that stuff more. But while he's a newborn, I don't think he needs to be wearing jeans. That just seems silly to me.

So yeah, all the big stuff is done - car seat/bases installed, birth classes are done, we met with the nurses at the hospital and went over our birth plan (more on that), everything washed and cleaned and I think we have almost everything we need. And our hospital bags are halfway packed (everything except clothes because I don't have a lot to choose from, so I'm wearing what I'll be taking to the hospital - hopefully I'll have time to do laundry and pack them before we have to leave).

Smaller stuff didn't get done - I really wanted to get the carpets cleaned and do a deep cleaning of the house (windows, baseboards, oven, blinds, etc). I'll be home for 3 months and I figure I can do it then. Probably not at first, but eventually I'm guessing. I still have no idea what it'll be like to have a newborn!

So I'm feeling pretty at ease with our birth plan. Of course I know that anything can happen so I need to be prepared to not follow my plan at all. My "dream birth" (aside from it not hurting at all and MT being safe and healthy), would be a drug-free one. I highly doubt that will happen (considering I didn't do anything to prepare for it), but I'm going to go as long as I can without an epidural. I also requested a room with a tub to labor in, a birthing ball, wireless monitors (so I walk around the floor), water to drink (doctor had to approve - otherwise you get ice chips only and I hate being thirsty), and a birthing bar (meaning I can sit up and hold on to the bar while I'm pushing - even with an epidural). They also agreed to skin-to-skin after and delayed cord cutting (just until it stops pulsating). I was a little shocked at how "progressive" the hospital was. I just didn't want to be bed-bound for 18 hours and if everything goes well, I shouldn't be.

Hopefully all of the above will make me feel "in control" enough to avoid having too much anxiety or panic attacks.

Lastly, I would much prefer not to be induced (because it makes the odds of me needing an epi or c-section higher), but I also don't want to go past my due date, so I have 14 days to go into labor.

For the last 2 appointments, I was 60% effaced and 1 cm dilated. That doesn't really mean anything, but I was sad I didn't progress any more last week. I've been walking, bouncing on my birth ball and I might try accupuncture next week (which I heard was really effective). Of course nothing works unless your body is ready to go into labor and I don't think mine is. I haven't dropped yet and I haven't had contractions really and not even that many Braxton Hicks. I haven't lost my mucus plus and I haven't had my bloody show. Of course I could go into labor without any of that happening, but those would be good signs!

My mom went into labor today with me (2 weeks early) in her pregnancy, so I keep hoping I'll take after her. Truth be told, I'm not ready this week. I need to finish up work and Steve's last day is next Monday, so ideally we'd go a week from Tuesday or Wednesday. Of course we could also be induced one of those two days (we have to decide by Wednesday). I would be 39 weeks and a few days - he's perfectly ready to come into the world now but I know that at least 39 weeks is ideal. My doctor said "nothing good happens after 40 weeks," so she doesn't really want me to go over much (a couple days at most).

Crazy how soon he'll be here. Of course I'm so excited, but also a little nervous about how much my life is going to change. I hope I'm ready. There are times when people talk about summer vacations or concerts (we live about 10 minutes from an outdoor ampitheater that has the big summer shows - DMB, etc), and I get a little pang of sadness when I think about what we'll be missing, but I've been doing the same shit for so many years that I don't think it'll be that hard to give up. I'm imagining lots of time on the back deck with my husband and MT and that sounds great to me too.

It's just a little...weird now. I feel like I have a ticking time bomb over my head and it can literally go off at any second and when it does, my life will forever be different. I wish I just knew when it was going to happen. I like being prepared (and in control).

Okay, the next time I update, it'll be with my birth story! Exciting!!!!!!!

33 Weeks

6 weeks and 6 days is until my due date. It's going by so quickly and so slowly all at the same time.

A few "exciting" things since my last update.

During Superbowl weekend, I barely felt Mega Tron move. I spent most of Sunday night up fretting about whether or not to go to Labor and Delivery. It seemed extreme, but if I didn't have the anterior placenta I would have definitely gone in. It was the longest I had gone without feeling him and nothing I did would make him move (I even drank caffeine and I haven't had any in almost 10 years - I thought for sure that would work!).

I waited until Monday morning (and felt like a horrible parent as a result) and my doctor had me come in for a non-stress test. He was fine. Totally moving, but just tucked completely under my placenta so I couldn't feel him. I was at the doctor for almost 3 hours. I was so relived and annoyed at the same time!

Then last weekend I had a horrible case of the stomach flu. I couldn't keep anything down - not even one ice chip. I would throw up and have diarrhea at the same time. I called the doctor after hours and she had me go in to Labor and Delivery to monitor the baby (dehydration can cause contractions) and to get an IV of saline and Zofran (anti-nausea). Maybe a little extreme, but I felt so much better after the saline and Zofran. I was able to drink water and finally started going to the bathroom again (I hadn't urinated in 12 hours). It took me about 5 days to completely recover, but everything was fine in the end.

At my last doctor's appointment my doctor told me I have only gained 12 pounds so far. That confused me because I thought I was closer to 20 pounds. All that means is that I was wrong about my starting weight. Or the flu really made me drop pounds. On a good note, I don't have gestational diabetes. I would cry if I had to give up bread too - there is already so much I can't eat with my heartburn!

 But I'm huge now - everyone knows I'm pregnant when they see me. I don't know how much the baby weighs, but I feel like he must be full grown! Actually I think I look smaller than most people who are 33 weeks, but I have doubled in size the past month.

Sleep is getting less comfortable - heartburn, lots of bathroom trips, uncomfortable sleeping on my sides, etc. And now I can't eat that much at night because the baby pushes on my stomach and lungs. I can't wait until I can eat normally again. I've been dreaming of margaritas, chips and salsa. That might be my first meal out after Mega Tron is here. Watermelon is another craving, which at least I'm able to indulge in that. I could eat an entire watermelon every day.

I have another doctor's appointment next week, and then after that I wait to more weeks and then start going weekly. And once I go weekly, she'll start checking my cervix to see if I'm in a position to be induced more easily. I can't make up my mind on what to do. Drug free labor sounds horrible because of the pain and an epidural sounds horrible because of the paralysis. It really is like a lose-lose situation for me. We're taking a 9 hour childbirth prep class on Saturday, so hopefully I'll have a better idea after that.

We are so not prepared in many ways - the nursery is almost done, but it's so boring. Hopefully we'll get cute stuff at our showers to help fill it.

We bought our car seat and bases, but haven't taken them out of the box yet - we need to get them installed. We bought a few things for our overnight bag (travel sized toiletries), but haven't packed yet. We don't have a single diaper, none of his clothes are washed, etc. I still need to do things around the house and I'm beginning to panic because I'm running out of time.

I haven't had my nesting/second wind yet. I'm really tired when I get home from work. And our weekends are so busy. Hopefully I can at least organize 1 area of the house each weekend and do a few big baby things. If I went into labor tonight, I wouldn't be prepared at all. But, we would figure it out.

I like being in control - it helps my anxiety. Perhaps we should pick a name too - we are having the hardest time. In fact, we don't even talk about it anymore.

Even our 3D ultrasound (which was amazing) didn't help. He's pretty cute. He has hair and chubby little cheeks. Little guy - he had his head resting on his hand a lot. Even with the 3D ultrasound, it still doesn't feel real. I've come to terms that it won't until he's here.

I'm hungry...I had a few bites of mashed potatoes and felt like I couldn't breathe, so I think that might have to be my dinner. Supposedly I'll be able to eat more once Mega Tron drops and first time moms can drop as early as 4 weeks before labor, so I'm hoping he'll drop in the next few weeks. Of course other women don't drop until they're in labor - I really hope that's not me! I can only imagine it's going to get worse as he gets bigger.

The average baby weighs about 5 pounds now and he'll gain .5 a week for the next few weeks and then near the end, he'll gain 1 pound a week. No wonder my stomach looks bigger every day!

I just want to make it until at least 35 weeks, but obviously ideally I would carry to term. I'll be full term in 4 weeks. Crazy!

28 Weeks

I really need to update this more! 

So much has happened since my last update at 17 weeks. Everything is fine overall though. We had our high resolution ultrasound (we ended up with two actually since Mega Tron didn't fully cooperate - they couldn't see his spine or hands) and everything looked good. He measured a little big - 85th percentile, but babies grow at such different rates, he could be back in the normal range now (I was 4.5 pounds full term and Steve was 6 pounds so I have a hard time believing we'll have a 10 pound baby).

I also found out I have an anterior placenta, which means the placenta is in front of the baby (against my belly). It's not a huge deal, but it does mean I can't feel him as much. Sadly I will never be able to do kick counts and I rarely feel him during the day (when I'm at work or walking around). I pretty much only feel him if I'm laying down. The silver lining is that I'll never be one of those women who complain about the baby keeping her up all night because of the kicking. But, I wish I could feel him more - I would take that over feeling nothing.

To be fair I do feel him most days, but I definitely am missing out on some of that bonding experience by not feeling him very much...I still don't *feel* pregnant and still have a really hard time believing that I'll all of this will result in a baby in 11.5 weeks.

He was moving and kicking quite a bit during the ultrasound though, so I know he moves in there!

My two appointments since have been fine...nothing unusual. I had my gestational diabetes test yesterday and it was fine (I'll get the results tomorrow). I was a little worried about drinking the sugary drink with my anxiety (I haven't have caffeine in years and try to avoid stimulents), but I only had a racing heart for about 10 minutes. I hope I pass so I don't have to do the 3 hour test (or put Mega Tron at risk and have to avoid carbs and sugar the next 11 weeks!).

My doctor gave me the option of inducing a week early while she's on call (because of my anxiety - she thinks she should be there) - or even doing an elective c-section if I decide I can't handle labor. I don't want to do the c-section and am even a little hesitant about inducing. I'm going to wait and see how I feel and how I'm progressing. If the week before I'm partially dilated and effaced, then my chance of having a c-section during induction will reduce, but if there is no sign of labor starting then I'm going to wait.

That being said, I won't go much past my due date...my cousin refused induction when she was late and her baby died as a result. I'm not sure if the cord wrapped around or if there wasn't enough fluid, but I don't feel comfortable going much past (especially since I can't feel him moving much to know he's okay). I'd rather have a c-section than not have a healthy baby!!!!

My mom went early (from a few days, to 2 weeks) with my brothers and me, so I'm hoping that I'll just go in my 38-39 week and the decision will be out of my hands. I like my doctor, but I'm not sure that having her there will make my anxiety less. I honestly think the best thing for me will be to labor naturally as long as possible until I can't stand it anymore (being induced reduces this possibility and can make labor last longer). A big part of my anxiety revolves around not being in control and having an epidural and not being able to walk sounds horrible to me.

I sort of compare it to my root canal - I never had tooth pain, so to me the procedure seemed completely pointless. And I had a complete meltdown when they tried to do it, which meant I had to go back drugged and on laughing gas. My theory is that if I had horrible tooth pain, I wouldn't have cared because I would have wanted relief. I think that same theory will apply to child birth. I think it'll be good for me to be in pain and beg for drugs because then I won't care if I can't walk. I have a high pain tolerance so maybe I'll be able to do the whole thing without drugs, but I doubt it (especially since I haven't read about it or done any type of natural birth prep).

Physically I've been okay. My morning sickness has completely gone and even my stuffiness has mostly gone (I'm a little stuffy in the middle of the night still). I'm still not sleeping well, and usually go back and forth between the bed and a recliner. I don't really like sleeping on my sides and I get uncomfortable quickly.

I also continued to have trouble with my sciatica - it got to the point where I could barely walk. I tried everything I could to relieve it on my own - yoga, massage, water aerobics, heating pad, walking, ice. Nothing worked and it was getting worse and worse. Out of desperation I went to a prenatal chiropractor (I had never been and was somewhat of a skeptic), and she seriously changed my life.

After one appointment, I was pretty much pain free. Not sure if what I had was sciatica - she described it as my right S1 was twisted out of place when my pelvis was expanding. It was caught in a weird position. She was able to put it back in place and now I can walk, sit, stand, etc without wanting to kill myself. Truly amazing. I'm going to continue to go every 2 weeks just to make sure everything is lined up okay and my body is as ready to go as possible.

Aside from that I have a little constipation again (I'm eating 1 cup of Fiber One a day to help with this, and so far it's working), and either sleep apnea or anxiety dreams. I can see it being either, and I'm guessing that once I'm no longer pregnant it won't be an issue (at least I hope).

Like last night I dreamt I was swimming in a race and swam the entire length of the pool without taking a breath. When I finally got to the wall, I stood up and took a deep breath in and my wet hair was over my mouth and no air was able to get in. I woke up with my heart pounding and felt like I couldn't breathe. I've had a few dreams like that here and there. I have to stand up immediately (see I like to stand up when having anxiety) to take a deep breath and then sleep sitting up in a chair for awhile (I can breathe better when sitting up).

I can see the extra weight/size of my uterus causing sleep apnea, but I can also see it being a result of anxiety. I've been sleeping on 3 pillows so I'm not flat down and I don't take Tylenol PM/Benedryl so I'm not in as deep of a sleep (this is recommended to avoid for people with sleep apnea).

So between sleeping on my sides (which hurt my hips), blowing my nose/sneezing fit once per night, going back and forth between the chair and bed, my sleep apnea/anxiety and sciatica (which is better now, but was seriously horrible for about a month), I can't say I'm sleeping well. I'm pretty sure my sleep will be better with a newborn honestly. Having my body back and sleeping anyway I want sounds heavenly! Even if it is only for an hour or two at a time (I never go more than 4 hours at a time now anyway).

I'm slightly proud and shocked by my weight gain...I've only gained 13 pounds, so with my 20 pound first trimester loss, I'm still 7 pounds below where I started. And I weigh less than I did on our wedding day (which doesn't say much). I haven't really been watching what I eat too much and I barely work out (mostly because of my sciatica - it only got fixed last Friday) anymore. I am not going crazy, but for the first time in my life I'm just eating and not counting calories, points, etc.

Like today I had Fiber One, milk and a banana for breakfast. Lunch was leftover homemade spaghetti and meatballs with a pear and dinner was two all beef hot dog roll ups and oven baked fries. I had a handful of low fat popcorn and one cookie as a snack (baby LOVES sugar - it's horrible. I've never had a sugar addiction and now I feel sorry for people who love chocolate - it's terrible liking it so much. I hope this disappears after the baby is here).

So nothing too crazy, but not super healthy either. It could be better, but it could be worse. Most of my friends who are 7-9 weeks behind me have gained more than I have.

I still don't look that pregnant though. My stomach is definitely rounder and bigger, but I think I just look fatter. I asked my doctor about it yesterday and she said that part of it was because it's my first and part of it is because I was plus sized before getting pregnant so it hides it more (which makes no sense - you would think putting a basketball sized uterus on top of fat would make me look huge, but it doesn't). It kind of stinks, but honestly being smaller is easier on my back and lungs and I'm still relatively comfortable. I have no swelling, varicose veins, etc. And I heard I'll just start getting bigger and bigger every week - and you don't see a lot of full term pregnant women who don't look huge (regardless of their starting size). I should enjoy these next few weeks probably since I'm sure I'll just get more and more uncomfortable.

I start going to the doctor every 2 weeks now, so that means I have 7 more appointments before Mega Tron is here. I think it's going to go quickly and slowly all at the same time. I have 2 baby showers, a huge work event, a wedding and I'm hosting a baby shower all in the month of March. Crazy.

We bought our crib, dresser, glider/ottoman for the nursery. I also have a rug and curtains and a bedskirt and sheets and a big cozy blanket to wrap us both up in when feeding. I'll post pictures when it's finished. There's not really a theme - I didn't find any boys bedding/theme that I loved so I just bought individual pieces that I really liked. I guess the "theme" is primary colors since everything ties together that way. I hope the end result looks good.

We signed up for four classes and finished two of them (CPR and breastfeeding). We have newborn care and childbith prep left - hopefully they'll be really informative and will help us feel more ready. We're seriously clueless. It's almost humorous.

We are having an elective 3D ultrasound on Friday - well, unless we cancel. Because of the stupid anterior placenta, we might not get good photos - it just depends on if he's pressed up against it or not. It's $170 non refundable so it's a gamble. I think I'll regret it if we don't try though. We haven't picked out a name still and I'm hoping that a glimpse at his little face will help us figure it out.

I think that's everything for now. Lots has happend and a lot more will happen before he's here. 11.5 weeks until my due date - that's crazy to me! I'm in my 3rd trimester and still can't believe that I'm pregnant.

If I keep updating at my current rate, I'll only have one more update before he's born - ha. I'll try to be better these next few weeks.