Trying to get Pregnant

If you want to read about my 20's, my old blog is here: http://singlegirl.diaryland.com/ Man, sometimes I miss those days!

Now I'm 34, married and trying to get pregnant.

Steve and I got married 10 months ago and the first year has been really good. I would say perfect except that we've been trying to get pregnant since our wedding night.

Like many people, I sort of thought I would get pregnant right away. My periods were regular - like clock-work even - and I've never had any issues "down there." The first few months it didn't happen I was mildly disappointed, but still had hope. The holidays passed and each month I would get more and more depressed when I saw the first spot of blood.

Then in February I started bleeding a week early - at first it was just a little and I was over joyed - I thought it was implantation bleeding. But then the bleeding got worse and worse and I had cramping and bloating and it reminded me of the ruptured ovarian cyst I had a few years prior (wait, I guess that was one issue that I had "down there"). I called my gyno and she scheduled an internal ultrasound the next week.

I went in and we found that was no fluid and everything looked fine. They could even seen where I had ovulated (on my right ovary). She said it could have been an early miscarrage, but she couldn't say for sure.

Because I had my "period" a week early I wasn't sure when to expect my period. In fact Steve and I didn't try really hard that month...I sort of figured I needed my body to reset and get back to normal. About 5 weeks passed and I had no period. It was an unusually warm March, so we had planned to grill and have a few beers on the back deck.

For fun (not really - I hate those things) I took a pregnancy test and almost passed out when I saw a faint second line. I think I screamed something like, "Holy fucking shit" and Steve came running upstairs. We went to the drugstore and bought 4 more tests and I took them all and got positive results (I also took more in the middle of the night and the next day). I guess I couldn't believe that we were finally pregnant. Especially after the weird "period" and not really trying that hard.

I was a happy pregnant woman for a few days - I found out on a Wednesday and I started bleeding on Saturday and confirmed that I miscarried on Monday (I went in for blood tests that day, but peed on a stick and got :"not pregnant" in the result window that night). I passed it naturally the following Friday, literally right before we left for spring break.

We went to DC to visit my brother and I spent the week sightseeing, drinking and eating and pretending like I didn't have a miscarriage. When we got back I went back to my doctor and she told me to wait one cycle before trying again. I really thought I would get pregnant again on the first try. When it didn't happen, I was devestated.

Once that happened, I finally grieved about my miscarriage and had a really, really sad week or two. It was something I needed to process though. That was in May and since then I haven't really had a normal period.

I'm not ovulating anymore...I decided to use an ovulation predictor kit in June (which was sort of pointless because Steve and I literally have sex either every day or every other day on day 10 - 21) just to see what it said...well, it said I never ovualted. I called my doctor and went in for blood tests the past couple of weeks. My first round of results (day 3) were good. I have good levels of FSH, LH and thyroid and something else. My day 21 test was for progesterone and it came back incredibly low (6.6 and it's supposed to be 14). And I got my period early and my left ovary has been hurting.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow and I can't wait to get answers. Well, I know she's not going to know anything tomorrow - more tests will have to be scheduled, but I can't wait to get started on the next steps.

The truth is, I'm desperate to have kids. I know I just got married, but I've wanted to be a mom forever. I honestly feel like my life will be completely pointless if I don't have kids. I'm also sort of a glass-half-empty type person, which I hate. Each month when I get my period, I'm so depressed for a few days. I hate feeling like that. I wish I could cheer up and be optimistic, but it's just so difficult. I'm not built that way.

When I got the news I wasn't ovulating it was awful. I've been crying off and on for the past several days - I feel like it's a death sentence. Which is so dramatic, I know, but I'm just so frustrated.

My theory is that I have PCOS - I hope I don't, but I bet I do. I've been struggling with my weight forever. At one point I weighed 309 pounds. I lost 110 pounds and got down to 200 and I was healthy. I was a size 10 (I have a very hourglass shaped figure and large boobs) and ran 9 half marathons and had no medical conditions.

I hit 100 pounds down at my 30th birthday, so it wasn't that long ago. I kept it off for 2 years and then it started creeping back on...today I weigh 273 pounds, but I still consider myself somewhat healthy. It sounds riduclous, I know, but I don't have high cholesterol, am not diabetic (or pre-diabetic), do not have high blood pressure, etc. I workout (I swam a mile today for example) and try to eat as healthy as I can.

I love my husband, but he loves to eat (and loves going out to eat), but he is blessed with a very fast metabolism and can do that. I enjoyed that lifestyle with him the past few years, but obviously I need to get back to my old healthy habits. He's so supportive of me too - especially now since my weight could be a factor in our infertility.

I don't know much about PCOS, but I do know that it can be caused be obesity and not ovulating is a symptom. That's the only symptom I have, but that's the biggest one! The test for it is a 2 hour glucose test, so hopefully I can do that this week.

PCOS can be fixed by Clomid (helps you ovulate) and I can take progesterone, but I can't decide if I should lose 70 pounds really fast or just take the drugs. Keep in mind I haven't talked to my doctor so I don't even know what my options are. Maybe I don't have PCOS and my body just needs a kickstart after the miscarriage (the nurse told me that when she called me about my results).

Another thought is that my left ovary isn't working. I know for sure my right ovary was the one that released the egg when I got pregnant since it was verified by the internal ultrasound. And my left ovary has been throbbing off and on for the past 8 months or so (since we started trying). I think that can also be a sign of PCOS though...

I guess I'll just have to wait until tomorrow. I'm nervous. I can probably lose 70 pounds in about 4 months if I really try (it'll be awful, but I think I can do it - truth be told, I weighed 181 last Monday, so I've lost 8 pounds in 6 days). I'm really motivated. I want a baby so badly I will do whatever I have to.

The other thing though is that we can't just write a check for $30k to have in-vitro or adopt, so I need to find out ASAP what's going on so I can get the money (selling drugs, my body or robbing banks might be in my future).

That's my story right now...there are a few other things, but that's enough for now. Tomorrow is one of those days that will change the course of my life. At least I hope it is.